My Baby Plays a Symphony

When I found out I was pregnant, I was only a few weeks along. I had taken the at-home pregnancy test and then was given another urine test at our eight-week appointment. It wasn’t until week 12 that we finally got to hear what we had been holding our breath for. Our baby had a heartbeat! Once we heard her heart beating, we could start to dream about her life. 

A few days ago I was moving through a typical pattern of my simple, yet magical days with Grace. As I put away the dishes she munched on her breakfast. I constantly have music playing at home because I love how music can reach into our lives and inspire us, touch us, and encourage us to be better. A song started playing by one of my favorite singers and my ears perked up because I had never heard it before. I started to “jam” along to it because I was connecting with the content. It’s a song about living life to its fullest and not wasting it- dreaming big, and not settling for less. The lyrics draw a parallel “between the dead and the living,” as the writer sits in a cemetery feeling inspired to not waste her life. Part of the meaning of the song is meant to be obvious. The bodies in the cemetery are dead and the people in the city behind her are alive. But I think what she is really trying to say, is how many of those people bustling through their busy lives are really alive? How many of them are just breathing in and exhaling, going through the same motions day after day?

“You said, remember that life is not meant to be wasted. We can always be chasing the sun. So fill up your lungs and just run, we’ll always be chasing the sun.”

I'm in love with the message of this song because I want to chase the sun. I want my life to mean something. I want my days to be full of life and learning and not just be someone with a heartbeat, but someone who lives. A few days ago I had a moment with Grace that could have just been a monotonous encounter but it turned out to be simply beautiful. As a parent, you change so many diapers, wipe so many noses, and try to soothe so many cries that sometimes those moments just blend into the next.  I don’t want to be one of those “bustling through life” people so I try to see the life in every moment, but at 2am, I figured I was in for another same old experience as I was woken from my cozy slumber by her slowly escalating whimper. I don’t look forward to our midnight rendezvous because as much as I wish it would be a time for us to cuddle and for her to fall asleep in my arms, it usually turns into me holding her for a few minutes until she calms down and then her screaming bloody murder the second I lay her back down in her crib.

As her whimper turned into a full-on cryfest I groggily pulled myself out of bed because after 17 months, I know which midnight cries require mom and which ones don’t. This cry was definitely a “I need some milk before I’m going back to sleep” kind of cry. As I gave her the milk and we sat in her rocking chair, I was starting to dread what was about to come next- her wails as I put her back in her crib. But as Grace finished her last gulp, God decided to wake me from my zombie-like state and remind me to be present in my moments with her. Once her bottle was empty, without any hesitation, she fell asleep in my arms. She has always been an incredibly light sleeper and she hasn’t actually slept in my arms since she was just a few months old. I relished the warmth that emitted from her body and smiled as I heard the rhythmic purr of her breath going in and out, in and out. My favorite line from the song, “and the gift of my heartbeat sounds like a symphony” echoed in my mind as I listened to Grace's symphony that proved to us so many months ago that she was real. It was the proof we had needed to give us hope that she wouldn't just be a heartbeat but that she would live.

Since having Gracie there is one piece of advice that has been said to me more than anything else. Whether her and I are out at the grocery store or on a walk, people constantly stop me to say, “Enjoy this, it goes by so fast.” I realized pretty early on in motherhood that what everyone was telling me was true. It goes by so fast. I refuse to waste the ‘gift of our heartbeats.”

We will spend our days “Chasing the Sun.”

Blessings,

Shantastic :)

P.S. If you are curious about the song I referenced in this post then I invite you to listen to the beautifulness that is Sara Bareilles, and sing along as she encourages you to "always be Chasing the Sun."

My Baby is a Parrot

When I got pregnant I daydreamed about which stages of our kids’ lives I was looking forward to the most. It was easy for me to decide which stage I knew would come the most natural to me. Bring on the tiny poopies, fussy tummies from too much gas, and perpetual spit up, because I love babies. Babies are awesome because they’re itty bitty balls of cuteness that you can spend hours just staring at. They don’t judge you, they don’t think you’re weird, and they don’t resent you if you are having difficulty figuring out what they want in that moment. You just try your best to fulfill their needs and they’ll reward you with smiles and warm baby cuddles.

The ceaseless crying of a newborn doesn’t phase me much and even though I complained quite a bit about having to wake up in the middle of the night to breastfeed Grace, there was something really special about being the one person in the world she needed. As Grace passed her first birthday milestone I knew my era of feeling like a bit of a Supermom was quickly coming to an end. The toddler age presents me with many more challenges that don’t come as naturally to me and obviously, it has brought many changes to my teeny tiny baby.

When Grace cried and fussed as a baby I never felt like it was a reflection on me: babies cry. But now when she decides to throw her body across the floor and wail as tears roll down her cheeks because I wouldn’t let her eat an entire canister of banana flavored puffs in one sitting, that’s a little bit harder to walk away from unscathed. She has to learn that you can’t get everything you want all the time, but do I really have to be the one to teach it to her??? Ok, yes. I do.

Her classic short-lived tantrums are just one of the many ways she has evolved in the past few months. She has also recently become a pretty brilliant mimic. She obviously can’t repeat the words we say exactly, but she can imitate the inflection with surprising accuracy.

About a week ago, after yet another day of me trying to teach her how to politely ask for things, respectfully show when she is not happy, and say, “please,"... it was bedtime. My husband, Seth and I were getting ready to tuck her in for the night. He was holding her while we said her nighttime prayers and as I stared down at her my heart was overflowing with those ooey gooey mommy feelings. When you have a child your understanding of what love is gets blown wide open.

I. love. Her.

As we said, “Amen” I bent down to give her a kiss on the forehead…and she batted me away while whining some form of “nooooo”. I looked up at Seth with such hurt in my eyes. All of the moments from the past few weeks of her giving me attitude and denying my affections was pouring down on me in that moment. I wanted to swoop her up in a giant bear hug and shout, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU???? Do you have even the tiniest clue about what I’ve sacrificed for you and what I WILL sacrifice for you??”

As I stood there stunned I said a quick prayer to the Lord, “Please don’t let the night end on this note. Please redeem this.” I heard the Lord answer back to me, “Shan, she’s just a baby. Just a baby. Love her like she’s just a baby.” I felt a nudge in my spirit to hold her like I did when she was just a baby so I gently scooped her up and began to rock her. When she would have trouble falling asleep as a newborn, I would cradle the back of her head in my hand and sway back and forth back and forth. As our bodies fell back into the same rhythm from her first few months of life she immediately remembered the sensation of the air lightly brushing past her face and the safety she felt cradled in my arms. As she smiled up at me her eyes twinkled and time froze. I beamed and softly whispered, “I love you.” It came out sounding more like a song as my voice went up on the word love. After the one-hundred millionth time of saying “I love you” to Grace she chose this moment to mimic back to me for the first time, “Ah luh oo”. Happy tears filled my eyes as I thanked the Lord for confirming to me that yes, she does love me too.

When she has her teachable moments of experiencing what it’s like to not get your way, I can’t forget the moments when she tells me, in her way, that she loves me. When she climbs into my lap all on her own, when she does her laughing scream as she sees me come in the room, and now when she says “I love you” back. Even though I will miss the baby stage, this era of her getting to choose to love me back is something I would never ever trade.

Blessings,

Shantastic :)

My baby is on a Stay-cation!

Hello there from my winter wonderland! I just wanted to drop a quick note into the world wide universe and let everyone know that I am currently on a stay-cation with my family. Seth was given some much needed time off from his extremely considerate employer so we are taking full advantage of this gift of time!

We've been incredibly busy going out to eat, watching movies in front of the fireplace, shopping, playing Chutes and Ladders (Marvel edition), eating way too many snacks, and taking turns sleeping in every other day. Yesterday folks this girl slept in until 10:30!!!! Now that's vacation people!

So, I've gotta get back to my huge to-do list today which includes having a dance party with Grace, eating leftover deep-dish pizza, and wearing my pajamas all day.

I also have one other thing that is of high importance. I was checking the blog a few minutes ago and I saw an Ad on my site that was incredibly distasteful and highly inappropriate. Honestly I'm extremely embarrassed that it somehow made it on the blog to begin with. I removed it and am taking the necessary steps to ensure it never happens again. I apologize if it offended anyone and I sincerely hope it does not affect your desire to read this blog in the future. There is a lot of ickyness in our world and this blog is NOT a place for that. AMEN!

Sending my love from a land that is so cold the governor ordered all public schools to be closed on Monday,
Shantastic :)