Have you ever heard that saying people use when they are validating that someone is weird? They say, “We all have our quirks”. I’m familiar with this phrase because I’m almost certain that people use that phrase to describe me. If you know me on a personal level, I just might be one of the quirkiest people you have ever met.
My entire life one of the weird things I have tried to hide about myself is that I am always and will forever be, disaster-ready. My mind is always thinking about what the worst possible outcome could be and then I make preparations or take precautions accordingly. When my gas tank is nearing the quarter mark I have to fill it up because what if I get stuck in a horrible traffic jam and I really need to pee? If I run out of gas I will be trapped who knows where with a full bladder. Disaster!
I’m not surprised that my need to be disaster-ready has only grown immensely worse since having Grace. When we leave the house, her diaper bag is always freshly stocked with everything she could possibly need to survive. And I absolutely have to carry that diaper bag with us when we run into the store to grab some milk because what if we get trapped inside during a tornado warning? What then? If I leave her diaper bag that I have transformed into a kit for survival in the car where I can’t get to it, my poor baby could be stuck with a dirty diaper and a very red tooshie requiring medication that can only be found in the magic bag! That’s a totally normal thought process for a mom to have right? No?
With Christmas quickly approaching my thoughts are spiraling towards preparations for our bi-annual trip to San Diego to see family. We will have over a week of relaxing family time, insanely good cooking by Seth’s mom, and some therapeutic visits to the beach. So how could any person in their right mind be dreading anything about a vacation to California? Having to be the people who ruin everyone else’s flight by bringing a baby on the airplane is a role I have been dreading my entire life. In my mind I won’t just be preparing for a potential disaster, I will be trying to plan for an inevitable one.
My brain feels like it could explode when I think about all the things that could go wrong. The regular “baby” scenarios like getting puked on while we are dropping off our baggage are of course on my mind but they aren't what are giving me high anxiety. I think I’m pretty accustomed to the fact that Grace will decide to puke or poop at the absolutely more inopportune time. What I’m trying not to stress out about are all the possibilities for complete disaster like missing our flight, turbulence that makes Grace cry for three hours, or dangerous weather conditions causing us to get stranded in a different state. I once heard from a friend that her and her husband were stuck on a plane overnight with their four-month old. I can literally feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.
I hate when my disaster-ready brain is an inconvenience to people so I often get nervous when I feel my quirk is about to be exposed. Last year at Christmas we had just found out we were pregnant and there was no way I was going to willingly walk through the airports “safe” x-ray machine at security because I was, of course, thinking about all the complications it could cause for our rapidly growing fetus. I kept practicing my line over and over in my head. When I got to the security guard I was going to very politely ask if I could deny the x-ray machine and request a pat down. When it was my turn my heart was racing and I could feel the perspiration starting to build on my forehead. I was so nervous I got a classic case of saying the wrong thing. Instead of asking for a pat down I asked the guy if I could be “felt up”. He just stared at me and I hadn’t even realized that I had said the completely wrong thing. I didn't understand why he looked so stunned so I quickly pointed to my belly and started rambling about how I was pregnant and couldn’t go through the x-ray machine. A few seconds later I replayed our conversation in my head and felt my face turn bright red as I realized I had just asked the guard to feel me up.
Like I said earlier, I will probably never be able to stop acting like I think the worst possible scenario is about the happen. I could, however, probably benefit from reigning it in just a little, especially when it causes me to ask complete strangers to feel me up.
Blessings,
Shantastic
