Week 36: Dear Sweet Baby Girl

Dear Sweet Baby Girl,

When I moved back to the Midwest ten months ago, I prayed about what kind of job I should look for. I felt very strongly on my heart that I was supposed to look for a nanny job. I have always wanted to be a mom and I love babies, so I was excited to try and find a family to work for. I made a profile on an Internet website that helps connect families with nannies. When I got the first email from your mom I felt like God was telling me, “This is the family! This is the baby you are going to love!” I started being your nanny nine months ago and have gotten to watch you grow from a tiny four-month old into an incredibly talkative on-the-go one-year old!

This week is my last week with you because I am about to have baby of my own and you are going to start on a new adventure at a daycare center. I’m writing you this letter so that someday you will be able to read it and know that for your first year of life you had a nanny who loved you very much. It didn’t take long for you to win over my heart. After a couple days you smiled at me and I knew in that moment that I already loved you. Getting to spend my days with you never felt like work. I can honestly tell you that there was never a day when I didn’t want to come see you. I looked forward to it!

Now that I am having a baby of my own, I can look back on our time together and see how much I learned by taking care of you. The only problem is, you have spoiled me! You have been the happiest and most patient baby I have ever met! In the nine months we spent together you only had two meltdowns where you cried and cried. Most babies would have had many more tearful days! When I would put you down for a nap, sometimes I would sing Disney songs to you and your little eyes would smile up at me until they started to get heavy. When you woke up, instead of screaming for me to come get you, I would know you were awake because I would hear your happy little babbles on the monitor. Sometimes to be silly, I would crawl into your room and then very slowly peek my head over the top of your crib. Your face would light up as soon as you saw me.

One of my friends hosted a playgroup that I would take you to once a week. At home you were always very talkative and babbling almost every moment of the day. When we would get to playgroup you would be very quiet at first and just watch the other babies playing. Then after a few minutes all you wanted to do was play with them. One time at playgroup, one of the moms offered to hold you while I went to the bathroom. I handed you off to her and only got two steps away before you started screaming with the full force of your lungs. I tried saying calming words to you to show that you were safe, but you were inconsolable. I gently scooped you back in my arms and it was as if someone had turned off a switch. The moment you made contact with me you stopped crying. It was the first time I realized I was a safe place for you and that made me feel good.

It’s a little hard to know that because you are still so young, you will have no memory of me when you get older. I have hundreds of fun memories of you! Your favorite game to play was when I pretended I was going to “get you”. I would hold my hand up over your face and slowly drop it closer as I made silly noises. You always laughed so hard every time my hand finally reached your tummy to tickle you.

I hope I have made it clear to you just how special I think you are. There are two more people in your life who think you are the most precious thing in the world. I’m taking about your mom and dad of course! Even at such a young age, you made it clear that you loved them too. When your dad would come home from work you would get the biggest smile on your face when you saw him and you would erupt with laughter. You were always so happy to see him. When you saw your mom come home you would make a happy scream and put your arms up the air. If she didn’t come over and immediately swoop you up in her arms you would start to scream! All you wanted was a hug from your mommy and you wouldn’t settle for anything else!

My heart is very torn as I anticipate saying goodbye to you at the end of this week. I’ve already cried about it a couple times because of how much I will miss you. You have brought so much joy into my life. I believe God allowed me to be part of your life so that I could get glimpses of how wonderful motherhood will be. I have told my husband, Seth, on many occasions that I hope our baby is as happy, joyful, and loveable as Sweet Baby Girl.

Blessings,

Shantastic 

Week 34 and 35: Insomnia and a face full of snow

The last few weeks have been a bit of a blur. That’s why week 34 and 35 are melding together. I’ve been a combination of busy, tired and hot for the last two weeks. There were times when I literally didn’t know what day it was. I’ve had, baby showers, birthday parties, birthing class and a minor case of insomnia. I’ve been so tired during the day, but then when it comes time to finally sink into my bed all I can do is think about all the things I have on my to do list. I also can’t stop thinking about little one and our future. I’ve been having difficulty falling asleep and then waking up two to three times to eat and go to the ladies' room. It's definitely made me into the “growing a human being is really hard” woman a few times during waking hours. (I reference that woman in this post Week 29: Hoping to end with a sneeze") This is all just preparing me for many sleepless nights ahead right? On the more positive side I’ve also been feeling a stronger bond with the baby. Could it be the overflow of crazy lady pregnancy emotions or my body gearing up to be a mommy? Either way, when I feel kicks, my heart just melts and I imagine kissing those little feet in a few short weeks!

It’s finally really starting to hit me that baby is coming soon. For the last month I’ve been saying it out loud but on the inside I’ve been too distracted with life and getting everything ready. Now my heart is starting to feel it. I get so mesmerized and distracted when baby is moving around because now he/she isn’t just this little alien-looking sesame seed anymore. This little person would have a strong chance of survival if he/she were born today! When baby is moving I don’t feel just random jolts anymore. Now I can pick out if it was a punch or a little leg flick. It makes it more real that there is a unique person in there!

The entire pregnancy I have been just so curious to know who this person is. One of the phrases I keep saying over and over out loud to myself is, “Who are you baby? I want to know who you are.” That goes beyond knowing the gender. I want to know what will make this person unique. How will my DNA mix with Seth's to create our baby? 

If you know my brother and me then you know that my parents’ DNA was molded together very differently for both of us. Eric is the fun-loving extrovert and I’m the ‘quiet until you get to know me’ introvert. When I was little I looked like a little clone of my dad’s baby pictures. The only difference was my frizzy blonde ringlets. It’s often been a joke in our family that Eric doesn’t really look like either one of my parents. It just proves when you mix two peoples’ genetic data you never really know what you’re going to get!

When we were little we often walked to daycare together after school. A boy from his class was following behind us and calling him names. He was trying so hard to get my brother to react. Eric just kept looking straight ahead as he walked next to me. He had been taught that fighting was not the solution, so he gritted his teeth and kept moving forward. Then the boy decided maybe he could upset my brother if he made fun of me instead. I used to wear glasses that magnified my eyes so I got teased a lot growing up. Eric probably saw my huge eyes starting to well up with tears. He immediately froze, threw his backpack to the ground, and marched over to the boy. I have no idea what words they exchanged. All I remember is seeing my brother push him face first into the snowbank. I normally wouldn’t support physical violence, but in this case, a nice refreshing burst of snow might be just what that kid needed.

When my kid starts going to school will he/she stand up to bullies? Or will my child be the one getting made fun of? Little one could fall into one of these categories or be something completely different. Certain things in life just speak to us. For my brother, he was willing to just ignore the bully until the kid came after someone he loves. That was what spoke to him. What will my kids be convicted about? What will they be passionate about? I’m just so excited to know and to love them no matter who they turn out to be.

The heat wave hasn’t left us yet and I am thankful everyday to work in a space that has air conditioning. The other day my pastor told me that he had told Seth how I looked like I had the pregnancy “glow.” I laughed and told him it was probably just sweat. 

Did you ever dream about who your child will grow up to be?

Blessings,
Shantastic :) 

Week 33: Adult-sized onesie: Check.

I’ve always loved babies and children, so the idea of becoming a mom has always been a natural thought for me. It’s totally within my comfort zone to play with baby toys and make silly noises during lunchtime. I also tried to inherit my dad’s “Who gives a ______” attitude when it comes to accessing your inner child. Two weeks ago at Home Depot my mom and I were bored to tears as we followed the men around the store. I said I was starting to get tired so my mom came to the rescue. She grabbed a cart and said, “Hop in!” I think she was kidding but I thought the idea was too tempting to decline. Somehow I got in without injuring myself. Even though it probably wasn’t the smartest idea to climb into something with wheels, it sure made Home Depot more exciting. I never want to stop embracing “the silly” and I hope my kids bring it out in me even more. I think life is way more enjoyable when you are ready to play.

I think one of the many reasons I was drawn to Seth is because I see the same playfulness in him. The first time we went to the beach I plopped down on my towel and was ready to settle into some serious lounging. Seth sat next to me for about three minutes and then started inventing things to do because he was bored. He wanted to play. After he built a pretty impressive sandcastle complete with sticks and seaweed we ended up having a rock-throwing contest that I obviously lost. One thing I know about Seth is he will always be ready to play. When he sees a toddler or preschooler he doesn’t see a booger eating, energy-sucking terror like many people would. He sees a playmate.

In many ways I’m sure Seth and I will be blown away by how unprepared we are for parenthood. We’ll have to grow and adapt as each situation presents itself. But I do feel confident that we are ready for the silliness. I even made a list to document how we already embrace the silly in our lives.  

Top ten reasons why we are ready for kids:

10. We went on a date to the movies…and chose to see Madagascar 3

9. Our tv/family room is decorated with a superhero theme (my idea, not Seth’s!)

8. Our house is ALWAYS stocked with ice cream

7. We already own 98% of all the Disney Pixar and DreamWorks movies

6. Last Christmas we made our own Christmas cookies without cookie cutters. Then we searched the cupboards for what we could decorate them with. Sixlets on a Christmas cookie…why not?

5. We’ve been to Dairy Queen 5 times in the last month

4. Seth has always been good at taking naps and since becoming pregnant I have become a master at it as well.

3. For a costume party we dressed up as Sully and Boo from Monster’s Inc. I was Sully. Seth was Boo. For those of who aren’t familiar with the movie, Boo is a two-year old little girl who wears purple tights.

2. Because of our dogs we have already experienced the shock and horror of accidentally getting poop on our hands. 

1.  We both own an adult sized onesie. Seth has actually had his for years. Mine was a Christmas present.

And the cherry on top of my delicious list of reasons why we will be ready to have fun with our children…Seth agreed to let me take a picture of us in our onesies. I saw the baby onesie a few months ago and just had to buy it so daddy and little one can match someday. However, Brendon’s is one step up because it glows in the dark.

Now that I’m on the home stretch I’ve heard those nasty Braxton Hicks contractions can start hitting at anytime. At my last doctor appointment something very encouraging happened. First of all, I never thought I would be able to have a male obgyn. But my doctor came with many recommendations so I figured since there really is no way to guarantee I will only have female doctors for this whole experience I might as well just go for it. After I met him for the first time I immediately felt better. He is probably in his late forties, doesn’t give off a creeper vibe, and always wears an epic bowtie. It’s not a hokey clown type; it’s classic. At my last appointment he was measuring my tummy and he said, “Oh..are you feeling that?” I said, “No, what?” He replied, “You’re having a contraction right now.” I turned to Seth with a look of absolute glee on my face and said, “Babe! Maybe it WILL be that easy!” Dr. Bowtie said that right now they probably won’t hurt yet. He made sure there was an emphasis on the word “yet.” I’m still ignorantly hopeful.

Things I can’t wait to do again when my baby stops hijacking my body:

Sleep on my tummy

Eat lunchmeat without worrying about bacterial disease

Mommies: What was it for you that you couldn’t wait to do again?

Blessings,

Shantastic :)  

Week 32: My plan will never work

We have been getting “showered” with so many baby gifts lately. God is really letting us be the recipients of the graciousness of others. A few days ago we came home to find a huge box sitting on our doorstep. A thought popped into my mind of what it could be but I quickly dismissed it because I thought, “Noooo way, no one would actually buy us that!” We ripped open the box to find the most beautifully crafted baby swing! Seth put it together one day while I was at work. I walked into the house to see it placed perfectly in the corner of our living room and I just stood there for a minute with the biggest smile on my face. Up until now all the baby items have been sectioned off in the baby room or in the play area downstairs. This is the first thing that has made its way into the area where we do life.

We have all the essentials. There’s a crib in the baby room fitted with sheets, a stroller/ car seat combo with dangling toys, and now a beautiful baby swing to soothe little one’s cries. I’m 32 weeks pregnant. I’ve heard stories of women giving birth at 32 weeks and having healthy babies. My due date is less than two months away. That’s a lot to take in!

As I’ve stated in a previous post (Week 28: Waddling without a Stroller at the Zoo), I take a long time to adjust to the idea of change and I hate unpredictable circumstances. I was once quoted in high school saying, “Someday I want to be really spontaneous and just go jump in a lake or something, I’d just have to plan it out first.” I didn’t even realize I had said something ridiculous until I noticed all my friends were laughing and shaking their heads at me. I’m not sure why I hate change and spontaneity. Maybe I’m fearful that the change won’t be as good as the present or I’ll find out I’m not as prepared as I thought I was. I truly believe with all my heart that becoming a mom will be one of the greatest, most-fulfilling things I ever do in my life. But can I be completely honest for a moment and say that the unpredictability of it all is incredibly intimidating?

I went to college to be a teacher, which means I basically got a four-year degree in how to plan out every moment of the day. I like plans. Plans give me security. During school I had a plan for when the plan got disrupted. As a teacher you have to be prepared for the kids to grasp a concept much faster than you were anticipating, get the kids outside when there is an unexpected fire drill, or be ready for the principal to pop in for an informal observation. I always had plans for these unexpected detours.

When it comes to giving birth I can go into the hospital with the best plan and backup plan I’ve ever made. But there’s no way to control the situation to make it align with my plan. I can also fill my head with all the book knowledge in the world on how to take care of a newborn, but my baby might be the exception to all the rules. I can meticulously plan out a schedule for baby to follow and it will probably get off track within the first twenty minutes. I find all that a tiny bit daunting. I know I’ve already spent an entire post talking about giving birth. Women have been doing this for hundreds and hundreds of years. It just gets a whole lot more real when you know it is going to happen to you. Pushing a tiny human being out of you is a lot to process for a planner like me!

When it comes to the labor experience I think the only way to end up with a win here is to have a goal instead of a plan. My goal: end the day with a healthy baby in my arms. I suppose with a reward like that, it really doesn’t matter how you get there.

I’ve become a walking stereotype in many ways lately. I’m sure many of you past and present pregnant ladies out there will be able to relate. I now have to squat down on the ground to get the dishes out of the dishwasher. Getting off the couch requires a “push off” with both my fists, or the steady arm of someone helpful. Taking multiple naps in one day is no longer considered being lazy; it’s normal. At around 4:00a.m. every morning you can find me at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal because I’m seriously too hungry to sleep.

Feeling the baby twist, turn, and kick still blows me away. I’m sort of starting to be able to distinguish between where the head and rear are. The kicks and punches are also more centralized to one area so it’s more obvious when it’s a limb or a whole body jolt!

Moms: How were you a walking stereotype?

Blessings,

Shantastic :)