My baby slapped me across the face

It seems like as soon as your baby turns a year that’s when all the “When are ya gonna have another one??” jokes start.

The first time someone made a comment about us having another baby I had an immediate flashback of myself standing in the living room at 3:15am trying to rock Grace back to sleep. I was wearing mismatching pajamas that hadn’t seen a washing machine in far too long and I was longingly staring at the couch where my makeshift bed was beckoning me to partake in a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

When Grace was around 4 months old and finally starting to sleep for more than four hours at a time I had a memorable conversation with Seth, my husband. I was telling him how one of my friends had just had a baby and she couldn’t believe how tiring it was to have to nurse her baby 10-12 times a day. When I finished my story Seth very innocently asked, “10-12 times seems like a lot. You never nursed Grace that often did you?”

I swear to you for the tiniest fleck of a moment my eyes filled with the fiery rage of a thousand armies. It was one of those classic moments when your unfiltered mind plays out a scenario in your head and you see how raw and imperfect your emotions can be. In my head I had jumped up on the table and lifted him up into a WWE style bodyslam while screaming “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! ALL I DID FOR MONTHS WAS NURSE THAT BABY!!! ALL SHE DID WAS EEEAAAATTTT!!!”

….That was what my reaction would have been.

Somehow, by the grace of God I was able to pause before reacting and instead give a response. Instead of spewing out something I would have absolutely regretted I waited a few seconds and then calmly said, “Yes…<deep breath> Yes I did nurse her that much.”

Taking 5 seconds to pause before reacting is a simple, yet life-changing technique we learned during our pre-marital counseling. In this situation I am so, so glad I waited a few seconds before I responded. During that brief pause I remembered how during those sleepless nights Seth would often get up to come check on us and I would shoo him off to bed since he had to get up for work in the morning. So, if I wouldn’t allow him to help me then how would he have known that I was feeding her freaking 12 times a day?

Yes, the 5 second pause is a very good thing. I even had to use it recently with my Gracie. It’s inevitable isn’t it that she would eventually get to an age when discipline becomes part of her life? I had just gone to get her from her nap and as I swung the door open excited to see her, cuddle her, kiss her, she had a very different emotion going on in her heart. For some reason or another, she was ticked! I scooped her up in my arms and tried hugging her but she just squirmed. After a few more seconds of rocking and singing she finally settled down a bit. I made a risky move and leaned in close to her face and whispered, “Grace, can mommy have a kiss?” She replied by full on smacking me in the face with her hand. During my 5 second pause I am happy to say that I never once pictured myself bodyslamming her to the ground, but I did have a brief second where I wanted to scream, "How dare you hit your momma?????"

5 seconds can do a lot for the state of the heart. Somehow I reigned in my frustration and used my best nurturing mother voice to say something about that being “not very nice” and how we only want to use “gentle touches”. She looked at me wide-eyed as she tried to discern what about her behavior had not been acceptable. I can't wait until I can articulately explain to her and have her understand that slapping me across the face is indeed, unacceptable.

It’s nice to be able to share the few moments where I have succeeded in using the 5 second pause, but it’s also important for you to know how often I fail at it. I’ve had countless moments where I’ve reacted by spewing out hurtful words and literally wished I could reach up into the air and pull them back as soon as they left my mouth. It’s a learning process for sure.

I know as Grace continues to test her boundaries and try to figure out the world I will have many more opportunities to practice responding to her instead of reacting. The more she tests my ability to pause the more I have to keep reminding myself that she is learning. Right now, she truly doesn’t know any better. As her mom it’s my job to gently teach her that some of our human emotions are great and should be allowed to erupt from us freely and others need that 5 second pause so they can be weeded out. Loving embraces, bursts of laughter, and happy gasps of surprise don’t require a pause. They come from a life-giving place of love. I hope with all my heart that I can continue to teach her to be nice and gentle and to always weed out the little voice in our heads that wants to bodyslam innocent people.

Have you recently had to take a 5 second pause when raising your kids? What did your child do? Slap you across the face like mine did? :)

Blessings,

Shantastic :)

My baby has a peanut butter face.

I’m embarrassed to say it has been a year since my last blog post! What have I been doing the past 12 months? Changing poopies, confiscating boogies, nursing, feeding, …Living the dream!

To try and compress the last 12 months into one post is obviously impossible. Becoming a mom has given me a completely new purpose in life. When you love someone in your family, a spouse, or a friend you work really hard to put them before yourself. Sometimes that’s easy and sometimes it isn’t. But when you have a child, a completely helpless perfect little creation, the concept of putting someone else first becomes much easier. The second I saw my Gracie I knew…I value her life more than my own. Speeding bullet or racing train, I would throw myself in front of anything if it meant keeping her safe.  I don’t even have a clue what kind of person she will be when she grows up and you know what? It doesn’t matter. Whatever mistakes she makes, however badly she screws up in the future, my love for her will never change.

Did having a child help give me a better understanding of how God looks at us (His children)? Definitely.

I was cleaning out our bedroom this morning and I came across my box with all my old journals from high school and college. As I paused for a few minutes to page through my angst, sadness, heartache, and disappointments I realized I used to only write when I was hurt and confused. (Quite the change that now I seem to only write about the ooey gooey lovey doveyness of being a mom.)

As I read through little blurbs from my past I realized a harsh reality about life is that sometimes people will disappoint us.  An even harsher reality is knowing you have and will disappoint others too. That’s exactly why grace is such an indescribably beautiful concept. When God sees us for the first time He KNOWS what mistakes we’ll make and yet He can still look at us and say He loves us unconditionally. That’s pretty mind blowing. Even though God sees our heart and sees the ickyness we all have, I can’t forget that he sees the best parts of us as well. The times we do something selfless for another and don’t tell anyone else, the times we sacrifice something we want for a greater good, He sees it. He loves us.

After a few minutes of reading my journals I glanced up at Grace as she glided past me babbling to herself with her Winnie in hand.  She had peanut butter from breakfast smeared on her cheek and her pajamas smelled like pieces of leftover banana. I looked at this tiny little mess of a person and realized how cool is it that I love someone who has never disappointed me, never done anything to hurt another, and never said a harsh word to anyone else in her whole life. The even more amazing part is that I knew in that moment, and in every other moment I've looked at her, that even when she does grow up and make mistakes, hurt others, and disappoint people my love for her… will never change. I will choose to see it all (the good and the bad) and I will love her forever and ever.  My beautiful, perfect, and unperfect peanut butter face. 

Blessings,

Shan :)

P.S. If this is your first time here, please feel free to check out my blog archive on the right! Cozy up with a warm cup of coffee and get caught up on how Lil Miss Gracie has made my world a much better  place.