When I started my nanny job at the end of October, I fell in
love with the little girl almost immediately. She didn’t have to do anything to
make me feel that way. She was just being who she is, and I adored her for it.
I still do. I know that when our baby is born I will fall in love again just as
easily, only on a more intense scale being that this will be my child. He/she
won’t have to do anything to earn my love. This baby hasn’t even taken his
first breath, and he is already loved.
A few weeks ago I was playing with the little girl I nanny
for. She had just gotten this toy with a mirror and every time I turned the
mirror to her she would light up when she saw her reflection. The family also
has a large full-length mirror in the house and when we pass it I stop and let
her look at herself. She always gives the same joyful reaction to seeing her
reflection. It made me start to wonder, at what age does that change for us?
Our initial instinct when we see what we look like as babies is happiness.
She’s not sitting there critiquing herself or comparing herself to another. She’s
not letting herself be defined by someone else. She’s just happy. At some point
we all start to let others define our beauty and worth. We all do it. Yet, the
thought of my child one day doing that just breaks my heart. How could my child
not know how important he is?
A few days ago I heard that a 13 year-old girl
from my small hometown committed suicide because she was being bullied for a
very long time. I didn’t know the girl personally, but her story has been
haunting me all week. She had reached a place where she thought she had no
worth at all. I can guarantee you
her family felt very differently. I have no idea what her home life was like.
Maybe her parents were telling her everyday how much they loved her. Sometimes,
unfortunately, we choose not to hear that. My parents were always extremely
supportive of me and they’ve continued to be into my adult life. But there were
times growing up that their words of love and adoration didn’t penetrate my
heart. Instead I focused on the boy who had teased me during recess saying that
my glasses made me look like a toad.
In those moments I was letting bullies define my value because I
believed what they were saying. We’ve all done that in our lives. We’ve all let
others dictate how we feel. It breaks my heart that this girl had begun to
believe all the hurtful things that were being said to her.
Last summer I went to camp with Seth's youth group.
I’ve been going to and working for summer Bible camps for over 10 years so I
have heard some lackluster speakers, a handful of interesting ones and only a
couple who have been exceptional. The speaker last summer, Josh Riebock, truly
was an exception. He was raw and absolutely honest about his failures. He told
us his story about how he completed the 12-step program for self-hatred. He
really hated the person he was. During worship one of the evenings the band was
singing a song with the lyrics, “So I'll
stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered, all I am is yours, all I am is yours.”
After the song Josh walked up to the microphone and said God had given him a
revelation while we were singing. We as humans are so broken and it’s so easy
for us to forget our value. He said he was finally starting to figure it out.
As he was singing he realized that when we sing that song God is thinking, “You
still don’t get it. You don’t get it.” Josh said as many times as we sing those
words to God, He is singing it back to us a hundred million times louder
saying, ‘No, all I AM is yours.” We won’t ever begin to understand our worth
until we link our identity with the One who created us. That’s when we stop
letting others define us and allow ourselves to be defined by Him. Yes, I’m a
little dorky sometimes, yes, I suppose my glasses do make me look like a toad
to some people, but my life has an incredible and irreplaceable value. I have a
God who not only created me, but loved and accepted me before I even took my
first breath. Out of all the things I want my child to learn in life, embracing
the wholeness of God’s love is my most sincere hope.
As I was writing this post I
looked up Josh on Facebook and someone had tagged him in one of his speeches. I
started listening to it and a smile slowly crept across my face as I realized
how much his topic correlates with what has been on my heart this week.
To hear his video go to http://www.facebook.com/pages/Josh-Riebock/221730051185951 and scroll down to April 9th.
(There's a long intro you can skip over)
Blessings,
Shantastic :)
Shan, you could totally be a spiritual leader like your hubby. What you wrote was powerful and beautiful, and I think a LOT of kids going through middle school (especially girls) would really listen to what you have to say and take it to heart. I was talking to Courtney Clark over e-mail the last few days, and something she said really stood out. She said, "schools need awesome, young adults as counselors, who kids can relate to and talk to, but at the same time, trust and feel comfortable with. It's such an awkward stage for them - they don't want to talk to their moms, or even their friends, at the risk of being judged and looked at as a complete weirdo..."
ReplyDeleteI would just add this too...some kids don't want to put what they feel is a "burden" on their family friends...and something tells me that someone like YOU could totally be that person.
Anyway, not sure why I just wrote all of this...I just kinda felt compelled to comment because it has been haunting me the last week as well.
Love you Boog.
Derek, thank you sooo much for your encouragement. I was definitely being tested with my own words after I posted this. I kept thinking, "Was that too serious? Are people going to get what I'm trying to say? What if they think I'm being too dramatic?" etc. etc. I was letting the potential opinions of others define how I was feeling...basically doing the exact thing I said that we shouldn't do to ourselves! I think God wanted to use you to encourage me to not be afraid to say things about God that are true :)
ReplyDeleteLove you mucho!
next career choice?? middle school counselor? Love your blog this week especially with dealing with identity issues and how everyone suffers their own war with them...love from one "toad" to another..
ReplyDeleteI think toads make excellent mothers I know this from my experience with one ;)
DeleteWhat truth spoken with such conviction. Your posts are great Shan, this one was exceptional. Thank you for sharing with others your conviction...it has moved my heart and I will be sharing this with others. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alaina, for sharing your friends post. And thank you Shan, this is awesome! I wish the whole, entire world could have the opportunity to read this... and really think about it. It speaks so many truths!
DeleteWow, thank you for your encouragement. As I was telling my brother, I caught myself doing the exact thing I wrote about and letting the potential negative opinions of others dictate how I felt about this post. Thank you for the reminder that truth is something we all need to hear :)
DeleteSo beautiful Shan, you're an inspiration!
ReplyDelete