It may be because I am her mom, but when Grace is in her attentive mood her eyes are seriously mesmerizing. Part of what makes them so hypnotic is their coloring. They are the most beautiful shade of steel blue with a misty gray ring around her pupil. Seth and I have joked that when she stares at you it feels like she’s staring into your soul. I’ve read that most babies’ eye color changes within the first year, but I would be so delighted if hers stayed the same.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant I started praying that Gracie would not get my eyes. When I was two years old I was diagnosed with congenital cataracts in both my eyes. That’s not something you want to pass down to your children. My mom was diagnosed with the exact same condition at the exact same age and I know it was always hard for her to know that my genes came from her. Cataracts are usually only found in elderly people and really old dogs so we have no idea why it decided to show up in our genes at such a young age. For those of you who aren’t familiar with cataracts, it means the lens in your eye is clouded over. It makes focusing and seeing almost impossible and if not treated correctly can even lead to blindness. I had surgery when I was diagnosed and now I no longer have lenses in my eyes. In order to see I have to wear really thick glasses that magnify my eyes. I was very grateful to be able to see but it did make childhood tough at times. I didn’t get contacts until I was in high school so as a kid I was always conscious of the stares I got from people. In elementary school I remember a boy said I looked like a toad with my glasses on.
For some reason people feel a need to make fun of others for being different than the “norm”. I’ll never understand that.
A few years ago my mom was cleaning out boxes from my childhood. She came across a story I had written in first grade and showed it to me. It was about a little girl who wore glasses and got teased in school. The last page of the story said, “And then the girl didn’t need her glasses anymore and no one ever teased her again.” After I finished reading it I looked up at my mom and saw that she was holding back tears. Since she had to wear the same glasses as me, she knew exactly what it felt like to look different than everyone else and she could relate to the pain it caused when people felt the need to point it out.
When we got pregnant I immediately started praying our child’s eyes would develop correctly and without cataracts. My mom told me it was a sincere prayer of hers as well. I know cataracts are not a life-threatening condition and even felt a little guilty for being concerned that my children might get them. There are a lot worse things that could happen, but what mom wants their children to suffer at all?
This past week we took Gracie to her first eye appointment. I did some research and found out that in many cases congenital cataracts can be detected at birth, however, in some cases it doesn’t show up until months or years later. To do the exam the doctor had Seth hold Grace in the patient chair. They had to dilate her pupils and then shine an incredibly bright light in her eyes. Of course she screamed so loud during the exam it sounded like she was going to make herself pass out. I felt my throat start to tighten and my eyes started to water in response to hearing her be in pain. I remember being a child and having to go for my annual eye exams. My parents had to help the doctor restrain me so he could do the exam. As I was thrust back into all these scary memories I was slammed back into reality as I heard Gracie’s ear-shattering screams. In that moment I realized I had been focusing so much energy on her not having cataracts, that I hadn’t really allowed myself to think about what it would be like for her if she had them. The “worrier” in me had somehow been kept under control. As I waited for the doctor’s diagnosis I realized how badly I didn’t want her to be called a toad by bullies on the playground.
When the doctor told us his findings I realized I had been holding my breath. Please don’t tell me my baby is going to have to suffer any more pain because she got her mommy’s faulty eyes. I started clapping and almost jumped out of my seat when the doctor said her eyes looked normal and healthy.
He said there is still a chance that they could develop within the next couple months because he had seen that happen before. So I suppose I could worry and fret that she will still eventually have cataracts, or I can choose to rejoice in the fact that right now, today, she doesn’t.
Were you worried your children would inherit something “undesirable” from you?
Blessings,
Shantastic
Hey Shan, I've been reading your blog (pretty sure ever since Chelsea told me you made it public months and months ago), but I definitely can relate to this post! This whole pregnancy my diabetes has been a major struggle. My blood sugars have been all over the place with the hormone changes (which I guess is normal) but constantly worrying about not just myself but the little guy too makes it even more stressful! I am finally getting to a place in the pregnancy where he is able to provide for himself a little better. I still need to be really careful but I don't have to worry quite as much since his liver is functioning and he can make his own insulin.
ReplyDeleteI feel like in the last week or two I have been able to breathe a little sigh of relief but then I had the overwhelming though/realization that this might just be the beginning. I can't even imagine how hard it will be for me if he is diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at a young age like I was. We will do whatever we have to to care for him the same way my parents did for me but I feel like the guilt I would have would have would be almost more difficult for me to overcome than the diagnosis itself.
The only thing we can do now is put it in the Lord's hands and trust that he has a plan for Asher and will care for him regardless of the struggles he must face (but it it is still something I think of frequently). I will be praying for you guys and little Grace, keep us up to-date. She is beautiful by the way! :)
-Caitlin