During the four years I spent in California I felt like my life was completely unbalanced. In some ways I was the happiest and saddest I had ever been. I was incredibly happy in my marriage but heartbroken about missing my family. I had always wanted to get out of Minnesota because I hate everything about winter, but the moment I moved away I realized I had left my heart there. I tried to make San Diego my home and even made some life-long friends, but there was nothing I could do to replace my family. I always knew I was close with my parents and my brother, but I didn’t know just how close we were until I left. When I imagined living the rest of my life away from them and raising my children without them, it broke my heart.
I also felt so guilty for not being satisfied with the time I did have with my family. There are so many people who don’t have family at all. I felt like a greedy child always wanting more. As a Christian I knew I had to be wherever it was God was calling me to be and for those four years I know I was supposed to be in San Diego. It was the only thing that gave me strength to persevere when my heart ached to be near my family.
I also struggled with feeling very selfish and greedy when I thought about the things I wanted for my life. I felt bad because Seth and I had our basic needs met such as a roof over our head and food in our cupboards. I tried so hard to surrender wanting to own a home and be a stay-at-home mom when we had children. Owning a home and living a life on one income would have been incredibly challenging in San Diego. The Lord can make anything a reality, but honestly, I really struggled with believing that my future would be what I yearned for. I didn’t just want to be a stay-at-home mom for my children; I felt like I had to.
I have prayed and asked the Lord for many things over the years. His answer has always been yes, no, or wait. Waiting was always the hardest answer because in some ways it is easier to get just get the no, deal with it and move on. After our third year in California I finally admitted to myself how badly I wanted to move back to Minnesota. This made our fourth and final year in San Diego very tough because I was waiting for an answer the entire time. I remember telling the Lord that if we were supposed to stay in California then I needed Him to change my heart because I couldn’t do it on my own.
After four years of feeling unbalanced I now get to say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. For the last seven weeks I have gotten to be a stay-at-home mom with my little girl. And I’m writing this post from my parents’ house because we felt like making a weekend visit. Sometimes God answers our prayers with no, sometimes He says we have to wait, and recently in my life He decided to bless me by saying yes…to everything.
When it all started falling into place I felt a little bit in shock. We moved back to Minnesota, got pregnant, bought a house, and saw my family every few weeks. After Gracie arrived and I officially became a stay-at-home mom I kept feeling like I was bracing myself. Something bad or unfavorable had to be bound to happen right? Then one day as I was walking around the yard with our dogs I was praying and thanking the Lord for everything He had blessed me with. I said something along the lines of, “I can’t believe you gave me everything I had hoped for.” For some reason it’s relatively easy for me to believe God is real and that He has an infinite love for us, but I was having so much trouble believing that same God would literally give me everything I hoped for. Almost immediately I heard words on my heart coming from the Lord. He said, “Shan, of course I was happy to give you the desires of your heart. I delight in it just as much as you do. Now it's time to embrace it.”
A few days ago I walked into our living room and found Seth snoozing on the couch with Grace. This picture is what sparked this entire post. I kept staring at the two of them thinking, “God, you have blessed me beyond measure.”
I'd love to hear about the seasons of your life where you felt blessed beyond measure :)
Blessings,
Shantastic :)
No comments:
Post a Comment