So many moms told me to look forward to the moment when the doctor places your baby on your chest for the first time. They said that nothing in the world compared to holding your long-awaited child in your arms. For me, I definitely felt love for Gracie when I first saw her, but it wasn’t exactly how I expected it to be. After getting to the hospital only an hour and half before I met my Gracie, I think I was still in so much shock that the labor was over. I had mentally set myself up to be in pain for at least another six or seven hours. And instead I was already looking into the eyes of my little one. I was too exhausted to produce any tears so instead I was doing this weird sort of heaving instead of crying. I eventually felt all those overwhelming ‘lovey” emotions towards her, I think it just took me a few hours before it all seemed real.
I’ve always been a realist. I look at a situation and I see the potentially good and bad outcomes, then I prepare myself for the bad and know then that I’ll be happily surprised if the good prevails. I really think there was a part of me that was waiting for this all to be a dream, for someone to come in and say, “I’m sorry, but you know you don’t get to keep her right?” Once it started to sink in that she was ours, forever, my heart started to overflow with more of the emotions I had originally expected.
About ten minutes after she arrived I realized I hadn’t kissed her yet. Feeling her ‘baby soft’ skin on my lips about stopped my heart. It was as if in that moment I started to realize she was real. She was mine. Then the first time I was alone with her in the hospital room was another moment full of emotion. I was talking to her and I said, ‘Hi Grace, I’m your momma.” At the word “momma” my voice broke and for the first time that day, tears ran down my cheeks in streams. Then when we brought her home I was nursing her in her room and as I looked around at all the work we put into her room I realized the owner of that room was finally here. My eye caught the photo of her 20-week ultrasound and I started sobbing as I cradled the little person from the picture in my arms. Seth walked in the room in the middle of my “mommy moment” and froze in the doorway for a second. In our birthing class I think the instructor scared all the dads when she talked about post-partum depression. I think they were all thinking, “Wait a second, we’ve had to figure out how to navigate living with someone who has been a pregnant ball of emotions for nine months and now you’re telling me there’s a chance she could get depressed?” In that moment I’m sure a tiny part of his brain was hoping my tears were happy and not sad. He tentatively asked, “You ok?” and between sobs I choked out the words, ‘Yes. I’m. just. so. haaappppyyyyy.”
It’s been amazing to watch Seth bond with her too. Moms get an unfair advantage of bonding with their baby for nine months, so it’s incredible to watch him get to experience her too. I think most women can agree that there is just something about seeing a grown man hold something so fragile with so much care. He’s also been really silly with her and it just cracks me up. He’ll hold her so it looks like she’s standing and then have her “walk” across the table or he’ll take her hands and make it look like she’s rapping to Notorious B.I.G. One day he was doing “skin-to-skin” with her on the couch and all of a sudden I heard him go, “oww...oww! OWW!” She had gotten a handful of his chest hair and started pulling it while at the same time she had somehow miraculously latched onto his nipple and was trying to get a little snack! On Tuesday while I was getting her bath all set up Seth got her stripped down. Since he was going to take a shower after he helped me with her bath he had his shirt off and thought he might as well hold her close to keep her warm while I finished getting the bath ready. I’m sure all you parents out there know how dangerous it is to hold a baby who is not wearing a diaper. 30 seconds later Seth screamed, ‘Ahh!! She just peed on me!” He had felt something warm run down his stomach and immediately assumed it was pee. I burst out laughing and said between fits of giggles, “No honey… that’s poop!!” Grace truly does have impeccable timing!
Two weeks after bringing Grace home, I’m still having my “overwhelming turn into a mushy puddle of tears because I’m so happy” moments with her. In one of my previous blog posts I said something about how I couldn’t believe that I could love someone so much who I had never met. Now I think it’s pretty amazing that I love this little person to this capacity, and all she does is eat, sleep, fart, and poop on my husband.
What were your “overwhelming turn into a mushy puddle of tears because I’m so happy” moments with your newborn?
Blessings,
Shantastic
I was a very young first time mom. Barely 18 when David was born and he was born on a Military base. Sterile environment to be sure and I shared a room with another woman. When David was born I was overcome with feeling alone. I had no family with me and wasn't quite sure why I wasn't feeling that overwhelming love for my child that others had expressed. I was scared that I wasn't going to "get it." Then at about 10pm, he woke up for a feeding. The lights were off (except for the bathroom light sneaking through the cracked doorway). I picked him up and those emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. Then I got the mushy, crying emotions. In that single moment, I understood what 'those' feelings were supposed to be. My life has never been the same and even now, with David being 33 and a daddy himself, the love I feel for him continues to grow. There is something magical about your child when he becomes an adult. And he still needs you. He still calls you mommy once in a while. And he phones you to ask advice on how to handle a situation or event. When they hold your hand in public and aren't embarrased to give you a kiss or say "I love you." The amazing parent ride just keeps getting better. And when they give you a child of their own to call you grandma; the circle is complete and you fall in love in a totally different way allll over again. So. You think you know what love is for your child...? You aint seen nuthin' yet, Shan. It just keeps getting deeper and better. :) xxoo
ReplyDeleteDonna, It's amazing to me how I feel like I love Grace more everyday. You think you understand your capacity to love someone, and then you have a child! :) I can't even imagine how cool it will be if Grace has children of her own someday! I see you just got to welcome your third grandbaby! I'm so relieved to hear he is doing well. I bet his big brother is loving his new role!
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