My Babies Need me to Lock Myself in my Room

Wednesday afternoon is one of my favorite times of the week. It’s the day I finish that week’s blog post and I look forward to it. I jot down ideas and snippets throughout the week and then on Wednesday I take a little time to fit all the pieces together. My daughter is usually with her grandma on Wednesdays, so in the afternoon while my boy sleeps I get uninterrupted TIME. It's beautiful you guys. I usually work on tasks for my business with my music turned all the way up. And then during my last little chunk of being child-free, I make sure my blog post is ready to go. 

Beautiful, glorious Wednesdays. 

However, last week my mother-in-law (aka angel on Earth) left for a two week trip to visit her parents. My gosh, I had not fully realized how much my sanity relies on those Wednesday afternoons. They had become the ‘battery recharge’ for my introverted mind. So, Grandma was gone and her trip coincided with a week's worth of rain (which creates kids with cabin fever) and my husband pulling a couple extra 12 hour days. All of these things lining up at the same time were not the end of world. It was nothing too terrible, it just made for one tuckered out stay-at-home mom. 

And that brings us to this Wednesday. Grandma was still gone, so I thought I would take the kids to a new park. My hope was that they would wear themselves out and be ready to rest in the afternoon. I even chased them and did the whole 'run from the mommy tickle monster' thing until I couldn't breathe. Between my gasps for more oxygen, I glanced at my clock and saw it was almost nap time. I hoped the kids were tired but I also thought about how tired I was. Not just from chasing them at the park, but so completely worn out overall. As I sat down to try and catch my breath, I realized it was Wednesday and that meant finishing my blog post. I quickly prayed and asked God to give me the final piece that was missing from the post I had been working on. But instead of hearing an idea that perfectly answered my question, I just felt tired. I whispered to the Lord that what I really wanted to do was rest. As soon as the word ‘rest’ left my thoughts, I felt the Lord nudge me and say, “Yes.” I brushed it away because I am a task-oriented person. If I have a task that needs finishing I don’t like to rest until it’s done. Besides, I was sure that this trip to the park would secure me an easy transition into an afternoon of quiet office time. I convinced myself that once I was in front of my computer I would be able to get in the zone and finish my checklist.

I had given them their five minute warning about it being time to go. Instead of being the perfectly behaved children I had hoped for, they completely lost their minds. My son, who rarely full-out defies me, started to walk towards the car, then glanced back at the playground and took off laughing while he yelled 'I NO LEAVE DAAA PAAAAAAWK!!' My daughter saw him in a rare act of defiance and decided to let it fuel her response. If he was going to take on the unanticipated portrayal of the misbehaving bandit, then she wasn't going to miss her opportunity to be the Bonnie to his Clyde. It wasn't pretty you guys. I had to use my 'Mommy is tiiiiicked' voice. Buddies were taken away and threats to never come to a park ever again were issued. 

The second I got them settled for nap and quiet time I didn’t even realize I was walking like a zombie into my bedroom. The complete opposite direction of my office. I saw my cozy bed beckoning me and immediately plopped myself down. My mind was fried. My heart was tired. As I lay there trying to muster up the energy to go downstairs and accomplish something, I saw my Kindle sitting on my nightstand. Then I felt that word from the Lord tug on my heart again, “rest.” It was then that I remembered the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy had gone unwatched for days. Suddenly I became compelled to find out how they were going to handle the whole fugitive sets himself on fire and causes explosion therefore trapping Dr. Edwards and a little girl behind a wall of fire. Absolutely and completely ridiculous drama-filled entertainment. But you know what else it could be called? Self care. And my mind and heart were craving 42 minutes of it.

My little girl spent the first 19 minutes coloring in her room and the rest of it sitting outside my door playing with her ridiculously loud toy computer and knocking on my door 27 times. Once the doctors saved the day and the credits rolled, my 42 minutes were up. It’s so amazing what that little bit of time did for my soul. Now I was ready to engage her with a rested heart. And I know I was a better mom for her the rest of the day as opposed to the version I would have been if I hadn't taken that break. 

Whatever rest looks like for you, I encourage you to do it. Being Super Mom (or Super Dad) doesn't mean taking care of everyone else and neglecting yourself. Even superheroes have their bat caves and fortresses of solitude. I know it's hard. Some days it's just not possible and sometimes you do have to power through. But, maybe, just look for those moments of opportunity.  Give the mommy/daddy guilt a swift kick to the stomach and put on a movie for your kids so you can take a bath, read a chapter of your book, or eat the last cookie without having to share it with your kids. 

When you’re taking care of everyone else, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. 

What do you do for self care? Is it something you need to do more? 

Blessings,

Shantastic :)

Instagram- @TotallyShantastic

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My Baby Has a Mickey Mouse Chair

Tick Tock. The seconds pass. Minutes fly by in a blur. The last four and a half years have whizzed by as my daughter, Grace, has barreled her way through each passing day. In the fall her future includes a year of preschool, and then in 2018…she will be gone. She’ll nosedive out of my nest, wings ablaze, and probably won’t even need to say goodbye as she runs into her Kindergarten classroom. She’s amazing. As school has begun to feel more like a concrete certainty and less like some elusive thing “off in the future”, I started to reflect on how I will feel about the years I got to have her home with me. Will I wish for more days? Will I have any regrets about how I spent my time with her? 

The moment the word regret popped into my mind, I flashed back to the days when I had been trying to get work done in my office and shushed her to be quiet. As I mentioned in a previous post ---> "My Babies Swallowed Me,"  I run a small business from home. My office is my sacred space that is devoted to doing work I love. It nourishes my introverted heart and mind. To be able to put my kids down for their naps and have that little bit of time to pour into something creative feeds my soul. But, when Grace stopped napping, I had to transition her into doing a “quiet time” in her room. Then around the time when she celebrated her fourth birthday, I began hearing footsteps outside my sanctuary and a gentle knock on the door asking me if quiet time was over. So, one afternoon in a moment of desperation, I went into the playroom and dragged her child-sized Mickey Mouse table into my office. I knew that since I had just closed to door to her room for quiet time, she would inevitably come peeking out about 12 minutes later. 

Insisting that she go back to her room could have been an option. But I didn’t want our days together to be spent with me yelling at her to go back into her room until she cried (because that had already happened a couple times). I realized that this was just part of the deal. She was growing up and I needed to figure out a way to evolve. The afternoon when I dragged her table into my office was a day when I absolutely needed to get some work done. I figured she could play with some puzzles or color a picture while I met my deadlines. Sure enough, less than 20 minutes after her quiet time had started, she poked her head around the corner and saw her table in my office. She exploded like a firework in July. “MOMMY!! Did you put my Mickey Mouse table in your office?” Then the bouncing started as she screamed, “Can I work in your office with you?” I figured she was so excited just because I had finally allowed her into a once-forbidden space. She was elated. And so our new phase began where I had a four-year-old coworker by my side. 

I tried to be as welcoming as I could. Some days I had it in me to swallow my own desires of having a child-free moment and some days I really struggled. I tried to make sure to remember to set out different activities for her to do, but there were many moments where I had to shush her and remind her that Mommy needed to get her work done. Sometimes I resorted to letting her watch Netflix on my Kindle and, of course, felt guilty about it.

So when the idea of regrets began floating around in my head, I wondered if that time spent in my office would evolve into being a full blown regret of mine. Should I have played with her more? Should I have figured out a different way to get my work done? In my more anxious moments, I felt my heart sink as I worried that those afternoons in my office of me telling her to stop talking would be the only thing she would remember from our years together. As my busy season wrapped up, I thanked God that my work has times in the year when it halts. I also prayed and asked God to redeem the time that I felt had been lost. I wanted this next season of life to be full of awesome moments that she would remember forever. I wanted her to forget the office days. 

So when I officially finished my busy season, I was the one bouncing this time. I couldn’t wait to spend these afternoons with her while her brother napped. We were going to make cookies, play games, and I wasn’t going to be weighed down with mommy guilt anymore. I was going to be super awesome fun mommy now. As she timidly raised her eyebrows and asked if quiet time was over I replied, “Yes! And guess what!! We’re going to make chocolate chip cookies today!!” She immediately jumped back with a look of confusion on her face. “What? NO. I don’t want to do that Mom.’ She said definitively. “Oh. Ok..” I said surprisingly. I quickly tried to think of a fun activity that I normally didn’t want to take the time to do. “OH what about painting? Do you want to paint with me?” “No” she responded. I tilted my head and asked her, “Really? Ok..what do you want to do?” She took no pause as she declared. “Mom. I WANT to go work in your office with you.” I just stood there, dumbfounded. “You want to go work in my office?” She shook her head yes. I was still stunned as I asked, “You…like working in my office with me?” “Yes Mom! Come on! Let’s go!” And she took off skipping down the hallway. 

She loved it. She loved working in my office with me. When I moved her table into my office, to me it was just a kid-sized desk that was now taking up space in my precious haven. But to her, I was opening up a piece of myself and inviting her into it. My office, which had once been deemed as a “childless space” now had a reserved spot just for her. Not her brother, not my husband. It’s our time for just us. I had no idea she viewed it that way. God answered my prayers for redemption even more completely than I ever anticipated. I wanted him to redeem our future, but He went a step further and redeemed our past. 

Even though I still find myself craving my own quiet time in my office, I just know the day when she heads off to school I’ll sit in my office weeping at the sight of that stupid, empty, Mickey Mouse chair. She loves sitting in that chair. And I had no idea. 

If you’re like me and you tend to be a bit too hard on yourself, just breathe. You’re probably doing better than you thought you were. 

Blessings,

Shantastic

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Have you ever had a moment similar to this? Perhaps when you felt like a lazy parent for letting your kid eat macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs and then found out it was her favorite meal she’s ever had?? Let’s hear it! Comment below or find me on Instagram @TotallyShantastic !!

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