My Baby Thought I Could Quit

I’ve always wanted this. In high school I worked for an after-school childcare program and sometimes the kids would accidentally call me mom. They would get so embarrassed and turn red but I would be beaming with a huge smile. I didn’t have any kids of my own yet but I was already anxiously anticipating the day when I would be mom to someone. Everything I wanted for my future was to be married and have children (I like to think big). I knew that anything else that poured out of my life would be icing on the proverbial cake. I just wanted a family. Because being a stay-at-home mom is what I always wanted, a lot of the annoying things that occur when taking care of children all day just feel like another day at the office to me. Another poopy diaper? Yep it is 10:00a.m. so that sounds about right. You dumped out all the blocks and played with them for two seconds? Ahh typical. But there is one area of my job that plagues me because I cannot (and probably will never) win. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into it, the kitchen will never (ever) be totally clean. Actually, I think the fact that I keep trying is the definition of complete insanity. 

Yesterday I was finishing up getting lunch ready while I tried to simultaneously put the clean dishes away. I threw some fruit on plates for my kids to serve as an appetizer until lunch was ready and hoped it would keep them occupied long enough to finally get caught up on the dishes. I had also given my son, Emmett, a bowl with a little bit of leftover smoothie from the night before. The kids were doing surprisingly well and every parent’s goal of having a clean kitchen was finally in my sights. We had spent the entire Fourth of July weekend doing every except cleaning, so with it being July 5th and the long weekend over, I was itching to get everything put back in its place. 

The stove which had endured more than five meals without being wiped off was sparkling. The crumbs in the microwave had been evicted and even the entire kitchen floor had been freshly swept. Ahh it was beautiful. I was about to achieve the miraculous feat that parents constantly strive for and rarely achieve; a clean kitchen. 

And then as my back was turned to my kids, I heard Emmett say, “Uh-ohhhhh. Sah-wee Mommy….” I slowly turned around to see that he had dropped his bowl and my freshly swept floor was now full of sticky pink smoothie. It was dripping down the counter and somehow had splattered in a 12-inch wide radius across the floor. I envisioned him playing around with his bowl and being goofy right before he dropped it and said, “Ugh. Emmett I am not happy about that.” He immediately dropped his chin onto his chest with an expression of total shame on his face. I realized almost instantaneously that I had been too harsh. With my super sensitive boy, a serious tone is enough to break his heart. I was just assuming that he had been playing around, I had no proof. Maybe he had been trying to hold the bowl while he climbed down from the stool with intentions of putting it in the sink for me. I honestly didn’t know, but I reacted with frustration because my spotless kitchen had once again, just been taken from me. 

I then told Emmett it was ok and I would like him to help me clean it up. I turned toward the sink to grab my cloth and as my back was turned I barely heard Emmett mumble, “Are you not gonna be my mommy anymore?” I froze and my heart sank. With no idea where he had heard that phrase, I did know that I must be sure he knew the answer to that question. I dropped the cloth and marched over to where he was still pouting on his stool. I sank down on my knees so that my face was level with his and gently pulled his chin up so that his eyes met mine. He was struggling to hold back tears and I smiled to show him I wasn’t upset. Then I took a deep breath and said, “Baby, I will always be your mommy. Always.” The second the last word left my lips he launched himself into my arms so hard I almost feel backwards. I hugged him tight against my chest and as he started to pull away I kissed his soft cheeks until he giggled and playfully squirmed in my arms. 

He must have heard that phrase from a movie or tv show and decided to use that moment to test it. I’m not even sure if he totally understood what it meant. But, even so I knew that I needed to affirm for him that being his mom is something I will forever be. It’s everything I ever wanted. Now that I do have the title of mom, it’s something that can never change. I will never not be their mom, and that makes me very happy. 

Maybe someday I’ll joke with Emmett about how when he was two he asked me the most ridiculous question anyone could ask me. Will I ever stop being his mommy? 

Absolutely, and positively, no.  

Blessings,

Shantastic

My Babies Need me to Lock Myself in my Room

Wednesday afternoon is one of my favorite times of the week. It’s the day I finish that week’s blog post and I look forward to it. I jot down ideas and snippets throughout the week and then on Wednesday I take a little time to fit all the pieces together. My daughter is usually with her grandma on Wednesdays, so in the afternoon while my boy sleeps I get uninterrupted TIME. It's beautiful you guys. I usually work on tasks for my business with my music turned all the way up. And then during my last little chunk of being child-free, I make sure my blog post is ready to go. 

Beautiful, glorious Wednesdays. 

However, last week my mother-in-law (aka angel on Earth) left for a two week trip to visit her parents. My gosh, I had not fully realized how much my sanity relies on those Wednesday afternoons. They had become the ‘battery recharge’ for my introverted mind. So, Grandma was gone and her trip coincided with a week's worth of rain (which creates kids with cabin fever) and my husband pulling a couple extra 12 hour days. All of these things lining up at the same time were not the end of world. It was nothing too terrible, it just made for one tuckered out stay-at-home mom. 

And that brings us to this Wednesday. Grandma was still gone, so I thought I would take the kids to a new park. My hope was that they would wear themselves out and be ready to rest in the afternoon. I even chased them and did the whole 'run from the mommy tickle monster' thing until I couldn't breathe. Between my gasps for more oxygen, I glanced at my clock and saw it was almost nap time. I hoped the kids were tired but I also thought about how tired I was. Not just from chasing them at the park, but so completely worn out overall. As I sat down to try and catch my breath, I realized it was Wednesday and that meant finishing my blog post. I quickly prayed and asked God to give me the final piece that was missing from the post I had been working on. But instead of hearing an idea that perfectly answered my question, I just felt tired. I whispered to the Lord that what I really wanted to do was rest. As soon as the word ‘rest’ left my thoughts, I felt the Lord nudge me and say, “Yes.” I brushed it away because I am a task-oriented person. If I have a task that needs finishing I don’t like to rest until it’s done. Besides, I was sure that this trip to the park would secure me an easy transition into an afternoon of quiet office time. I convinced myself that once I was in front of my computer I would be able to get in the zone and finish my checklist.

I had given them their five minute warning about it being time to go. Instead of being the perfectly behaved children I had hoped for, they completely lost their minds. My son, who rarely full-out defies me, started to walk towards the car, then glanced back at the playground and took off laughing while he yelled 'I NO LEAVE DAAA PAAAAAAWK!!' My daughter saw him in a rare act of defiance and decided to let it fuel her response. If he was going to take on the unanticipated portrayal of the misbehaving bandit, then she wasn't going to miss her opportunity to be the Bonnie to his Clyde. It wasn't pretty you guys. I had to use my 'Mommy is tiiiiicked' voice. Buddies were taken away and threats to never come to a park ever again were issued. 

The second I got them settled for nap and quiet time I didn’t even realize I was walking like a zombie into my bedroom. The complete opposite direction of my office. I saw my cozy bed beckoning me and immediately plopped myself down. My mind was fried. My heart was tired. As I lay there trying to muster up the energy to go downstairs and accomplish something, I saw my Kindle sitting on my nightstand. Then I felt that word from the Lord tug on my heart again, “rest.” It was then that I remembered the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy had gone unwatched for days. Suddenly I became compelled to find out how they were going to handle the whole fugitive sets himself on fire and causes explosion therefore trapping Dr. Edwards and a little girl behind a wall of fire. Absolutely and completely ridiculous drama-filled entertainment. But you know what else it could be called? Self care. And my mind and heart were craving 42 minutes of it.

My little girl spent the first 19 minutes coloring in her room and the rest of it sitting outside my door playing with her ridiculously loud toy computer and knocking on my door 27 times. Once the doctors saved the day and the credits rolled, my 42 minutes were up. It’s so amazing what that little bit of time did for my soul. Now I was ready to engage her with a rested heart. And I know I was a better mom for her the rest of the day as opposed to the version I would have been if I hadn't taken that break. 

Whatever rest looks like for you, I encourage you to do it. Being Super Mom (or Super Dad) doesn't mean taking care of everyone else and neglecting yourself. Even superheroes have their bat caves and fortresses of solitude. I know it's hard. Some days it's just not possible and sometimes you do have to power through. But, maybe, just look for those moments of opportunity.  Give the mommy/daddy guilt a swift kick to the stomach and put on a movie for your kids so you can take a bath, read a chapter of your book, or eat the last cookie without having to share it with your kids. 

When you’re taking care of everyone else, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. 

What do you do for self care? Is it something you need to do more? 

Blessings,

Shantastic :)

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