My Babies' Mom was on Vacation

Dinners that were uninterrupted. Conversations that got to be finished. Paddleboat rides and reading almost exactly one half of a 700 page book. Yes my friends, I have been blessed. I just spent the last 6 days with my husband. Without our kids. At a cabin in a town where we didn't know a single soul. My introverted heart was doing fist pumps for nearly a week straight.

When we left for our trip, Seth asked if I would miss the kids and then laughed while he answered his own question with a 'Nahh you probably won't.' He wasn't being mean by saying this, because he was right. For the most part. I did miss them from time to time and pictured seeing their faces. When we FaceTimed I couldn't suppress the longing I felt to kiss their skin. But getting a break like this from parenthood is rare, and I cherished every single second of it. As I've hinted in a few previous posts, I've been itching for a break from my 24/7 job. My four-year-old is starting to outgrow her quiet time (my one moment of peace during the day) and my two-year-old is a two-year-old. There’s not much I have to do to explain the exhaustion that comes with that. I choose to stay home with them and I really do feel completely blessed to be able to do that. But I've found that one of the tricky parts is you never quite feel like you've left your job. Your work shift doesn't end at 5 or 6 o' clock. It just keeps on going until bedtime. And even then you've got the disasters from the day staring you in the face and trying to tempt you to keep working instead of rest. I also know that when you work outside the home there can be a similar struggle because you just trade one work environment for another. Sure you're probably very excited to see your kids when you get home from work. Perhaps you smile wide as they greet you at the door with their excited squeals. Then, maybe they show you the art project they made in school with pride beaming in their eyes and as they run off down the hallway giggling you smile to yourself and think, my gosh I have been blessed. But then, four minutes later you hear one of them screaming and the other is crying because someone grabbed someone else's dinosaur, and you are reminded that work is not over yet. Parenthood really is a full time gig. 

After five years of being everything as often as I could be, I was starting to feel a bit weary as I continued to love and parent my children. I was a battery that was slowly losing its ability to recharge. Even though I've tried to find little pockets to breathe, this trip was just such a relief. As soon as the plans were set, I finally allowed myself to feel just how much I had been longing for a chance to set down my responsibilities. It was like I had been holding my breath and only just now realized how much my lungs were crying for more air to be let in. I had been in denial about how much I wanted a break because yours kids are your kids, and there’s isn’t a break from that. 

Our miraculous ten year anniversary trip came to be because one of my closest friends agreed to do a trade with me. I provided my business services to her for a job she needed done, and she gave us the keys to her family’s gorgeous cabin that rests on an open body of water. When I wrote to my mother-in-law asking her if she and my father-in-law would be willing to watch the kids for six days, she answered back with the most beautiful word I had ever seen… “Sure.” Those four letters solidified that my dream for a break was becoming a reality. 

For six glorious days, my husband and I got to talk each other without being interrupted 57 thousand times. We ate our food in peace. I took a nap one day in the middle of the afternoon simply because my busy schedule of going on the paddleboat and then reading was just.too.exhausting. This past week my schedule and routine has been quite different from the norm. I've been on my first real vacation with my husband since our honeymoon ten years ago. I've gotten to sit and READ A BOOK in the middle of the afternoon. Instead of scraping dried yogurt off the counter I got to be transported to a different world in a different time. My inner monologue throughout the week sounded less like a parent and more like a girl who was immensely enjoying her gift of rest. Instead of analyzing the most recent temper tantrum and trying to figure out how I could be a better Mom the next time, I talked to myself about whether or not I should eat a snack before I went to go sit on the dock. 'Hmm yes, Shan. I think casually nibbling on these strawberries while the breeze tickles your arms is a great way to spend your time before you go dangle your feet in the water.' 

Our vacation is over now and I’m going to be completely honest with you. The first few hours back home were rough. It was probably just the shock of it all. I was excited to see my babies, but after having such a long break to just be myself, suddenly being thrust back into parenthood reminded me of all the little things I have had to give up along the way. It took 45 minutes to finish my oatmeal this morning and I hadn’t even started drinking my coffee. The kids were amped up because Mom and Dad were back and they just didn’t know how to process it. There was a lot of screaming and I had to swallow my impatience as I reminded them to use their inside voices. It had only been a few hours and I was already longing for the quietness of my vacation. As I poured my coffee, I hid my face to make sure my kids didn’t see the tears that were starting to form in my eyes. I missed being at the cabin with my husband. Where everything was quiet and we could just be. 

But then a few minutes later when I peeked my head in the laundry room trying to figure out why my daughter was being so quiet, I saw her curled up in the corner on top of the picnic blanket. We silently gazed at each other for a moment and then I slowly lowered myself down to her level. I kissed the top of her arm and gently nuzzled my face into the crease of her neck. Just breathing her in. She barely moved as she brought her free arm up and tucked it around my waist, pulling me a little closer. As I lay there in that perfect moment I thought, yes Lord, this is it. This is why we gladly give up the little luxuries of eating our oatmeal in peace. It’s because what we have in front of us is so heartbreakingly beautiful. To literally watch life grow and evolve in front of us is a precious gift. A great blessing. 

Vacations are fun. But my life...is here. 

Blessings,

Shantastic

My Babies Need me to Lock Myself in my Room

Wednesday afternoon is one of my favorite times of the week. It’s the day I finish that week’s blog post and I look forward to it. I jot down ideas and snippets throughout the week and then on Wednesday I take a little time to fit all the pieces together. My daughter is usually with her grandma on Wednesdays, so in the afternoon while my boy sleeps I get uninterrupted TIME. It's beautiful you guys. I usually work on tasks for my business with my music turned all the way up. And then during my last little chunk of being child-free, I make sure my blog post is ready to go. 

Beautiful, glorious Wednesdays. 

However, last week my mother-in-law (aka angel on Earth) left for a two week trip to visit her parents. My gosh, I had not fully realized how much my sanity relies on those Wednesday afternoons. They had become the ‘battery recharge’ for my introverted mind. So, Grandma was gone and her trip coincided with a week's worth of rain (which creates kids with cabin fever) and my husband pulling a couple extra 12 hour days. All of these things lining up at the same time were not the end of world. It was nothing too terrible, it just made for one tuckered out stay-at-home mom. 

And that brings us to this Wednesday. Grandma was still gone, so I thought I would take the kids to a new park. My hope was that they would wear themselves out and be ready to rest in the afternoon. I even chased them and did the whole 'run from the mommy tickle monster' thing until I couldn't breathe. Between my gasps for more oxygen, I glanced at my clock and saw it was almost nap time. I hoped the kids were tired but I also thought about how tired I was. Not just from chasing them at the park, but so completely worn out overall. As I sat down to try and catch my breath, I realized it was Wednesday and that meant finishing my blog post. I quickly prayed and asked God to give me the final piece that was missing from the post I had been working on. But instead of hearing an idea that perfectly answered my question, I just felt tired. I whispered to the Lord that what I really wanted to do was rest. As soon as the word ‘rest’ left my thoughts, I felt the Lord nudge me and say, “Yes.” I brushed it away because I am a task-oriented person. If I have a task that needs finishing I don’t like to rest until it’s done. Besides, I was sure that this trip to the park would secure me an easy transition into an afternoon of quiet office time. I convinced myself that once I was in front of my computer I would be able to get in the zone and finish my checklist.

I had given them their five minute warning about it being time to go. Instead of being the perfectly behaved children I had hoped for, they completely lost their minds. My son, who rarely full-out defies me, started to walk towards the car, then glanced back at the playground and took off laughing while he yelled 'I NO LEAVE DAAA PAAAAAAWK!!' My daughter saw him in a rare act of defiance and decided to let it fuel her response. If he was going to take on the unanticipated portrayal of the misbehaving bandit, then she wasn't going to miss her opportunity to be the Bonnie to his Clyde. It wasn't pretty you guys. I had to use my 'Mommy is tiiiiicked' voice. Buddies were taken away and threats to never come to a park ever again were issued. 

The second I got them settled for nap and quiet time I didn’t even realize I was walking like a zombie into my bedroom. The complete opposite direction of my office. I saw my cozy bed beckoning me and immediately plopped myself down. My mind was fried. My heart was tired. As I lay there trying to muster up the energy to go downstairs and accomplish something, I saw my Kindle sitting on my nightstand. Then I felt that word from the Lord tug on my heart again, “rest.” It was then that I remembered the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy had gone unwatched for days. Suddenly I became compelled to find out how they were going to handle the whole fugitive sets himself on fire and causes explosion therefore trapping Dr. Edwards and a little girl behind a wall of fire. Absolutely and completely ridiculous drama-filled entertainment. But you know what else it could be called? Self care. And my mind and heart were craving 42 minutes of it.

My little girl spent the first 19 minutes coloring in her room and the rest of it sitting outside my door playing with her ridiculously loud toy computer and knocking on my door 27 times. Once the doctors saved the day and the credits rolled, my 42 minutes were up. It’s so amazing what that little bit of time did for my soul. Now I was ready to engage her with a rested heart. And I know I was a better mom for her the rest of the day as opposed to the version I would have been if I hadn't taken that break. 

Whatever rest looks like for you, I encourage you to do it. Being Super Mom (or Super Dad) doesn't mean taking care of everyone else and neglecting yourself. Even superheroes have their bat caves and fortresses of solitude. I know it's hard. Some days it's just not possible and sometimes you do have to power through. But, maybe, just look for those moments of opportunity.  Give the mommy/daddy guilt a swift kick to the stomach and put on a movie for your kids so you can take a bath, read a chapter of your book, or eat the last cookie without having to share it with your kids. 

When you’re taking care of everyone else, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. 

What do you do for self care? Is it something you need to do more? 

Blessings,

Shantastic :)

Instagram- @TotallyShantastic

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I know my baby.

As we were driving home from church a few weeks ago, my son said from the backseat, “Hey MomMom. I was crying in nursery. Can you say why?” The first thing I thought was, Ok, that was a very mature sentence for a two-year-old. Then I answered back to him, “Why Bub?” He paused then said, “I was crying about you.” …My heart dropped and I flashed back to the tear-streaked moment when I dropped him off in the nursery that morning. I tried to sound totally calm (and not choked up) as I replied, “Oh… because I left you in the nursery?” He answered back matter-of-factly ‘Yeah. You leave and I crying…Sorry MomMom.”

I had to figure this out. We had just spent the last three weeks with me having to stay in the nursery the entire service because he was too scared to be left in there on his own. I figured he just needed to get familiar with the room, so if I had to stay in there a few times, that wasn’t the end of the world. However, I prayed the day would come when I would get to once again resume sitting through a church service without my child crying for me to come save him. The day when he apologized to me for crying was the day I had tried the “ditch and run” in a desperate attempt to get him to see that the nursery was a totally fun place even when mommy wasn’t there. As you know from my previous paragraph, it didn't go so well. 

A week went by and and inevitably, it was Sunday again. This time I tried prepping him a bit more during breakfast. I asked him questions about the nursery and talked about the helpers who are his “friends”. I even pulled up an episode of Daniel Tiger singing the “Grownups Come Back” song. We sang it together and as he nodded his head along to the tune I thought, Oh I hope he is getting this. I so hope he is getting this. 

We walked into church with his hand in mine, and as soon as we neared the corner for the nursery he threw himself behind my legs and began crying. I could tell this was not a show he was putting on. This was not a fake cry. He was committed and he wasn’t going to give up. I smiled at the nursery staff and quietly walked in with him. As we slowly strolled around looking at the toys, I kept trying to peel him off me and get him interested in playing with something. After a few minutes, one of the volunteers came over to me and very kindly said, “Would you like me to just scoop him up so you can leave?” It was a very sweet gesture, and as I smiled at her I said, “Thank you for offering, but I think it will work best for him if I just take it slow and let him ease into it.”

It ended up taking about 20 minutes before he finally started to venture a few feet away from me. Every time he took a step away from me I took a step closer to the door. I made eye contact with one of the volunteers and mouthed “If he cries for more than five minutes you can page me”. I then followed with a thumbs up and made my great escape out the door. I told myself I had to walk away and go sit in the service. He would be fine. They would page me if he needed me. 

Minutes passed and I slowly started to relax in my seat. As the final song wrapped up, I couldn’t deny that I was excited to be reunited with my boy. When the check-in volunteer brought him out to me, his face lit up and I swear I even saw pride in his eyes. He had made it through and he knew it. The second he was close enough to me, he launched himself into my arms and began babbling about what he had played with and who he had talked to. As we turned to leave, the woman who had offered to help scoop him up pointed at me and said, “Now that’s a mom who knows her son.” I froze for a second and then flashed her a huge smile. For the next few hours her words kept resonating in my mind. I couldn’t quite figure out why it had made me feel so happy. As I continued to reflect on her words of affirmation I finally realized…it was touching me so much because it was one of the best compliments I've ever received. 

To know someone, truly know them, is a beautiful thing. From the moment my babies were born, I have given everything I am to learn who they are. God has created two completely different children for me to raise. I want to know what makes them laugh so I can delight in their giggles. I want to learn what makes them feel safe so I can provide security for them. 

I want to know them so I can be the mom they need me to be. My daughter ran into the nursery on her own the very first day and didn’t even say goodbye to me. She didn’t need me in that way. Emmett did. 

But most importantly, above all else, I want to know them so that I can teach them about God in a way that will connect with their own extraordinary heart. Because that, right there, is everything. They will each have unique ways in which they feel God’s presence and they will have their own individual passions that God has given them. I want to know my children so I can connect with their heart. For this woman to spend 20 minutes with me and Emmett and walk away from that saying, “That’s a mom who knows her son,” …that’s everything to me. 

Everything I have been trying to do from the moment he was born…is know him. 

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Have you had a child who struggled with separation anxiety? Got any tips for me because I'm sure this won't be the last time he has a cryfest about me leaving him somewhere haha! 

Respond using the comment section below OR find me on Instagram @TotallyShantastic and comment there!

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Blessings,

Shantastic