My Baby Doesn't Know I Have a Job

Ahh life. You busy little thing. 

When I restarted the blog back in April, it was during my quiet season for work. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a small business that I run from home. It’s a seasonal job so there are months in the year when I don’t have any projects I’m working on and then there are other months when I get to immerse myself in super fun creativeness. I like the change of pace. It’s nice to have seasons that are vastly different. 

However, now that the little cogs of my business are once again moving, it may mean that my blog posts will become bi-weekly (or even monthly). 

I wish I had a more definitive answer, but honestly I’m figuring this out as I go. Last year I took on way too much in all areas of my life, so I am trying really hard to have a better balance. However, the busyness of last year WAS a bit of an exception because we sold our house and lived with my in-laws for six weeks and THEN moved into our new house (all with a 3.5 and 1.5 year old). Add in the normal responsibilities of work and raising children and life was pretty crazy. We were too busy. 

When winter finally came and my work slowed, I felt God ushering me into a season of rest. I finally slowed down and experienced life at a much healthier pace. It was very eye-opening. We were now in our new home and no longer living out of boxes or spending every extra second going to a showing. I don't like to be that busy. I think we all have different levels of busy that we want to have in our lives, and the important part is figuring out what is best for you and your family. Are you putting too much on yourself? Are you taking time to just be? To enjoy something you love? During my season of rest I finally learned the importance of self care. Sometimes you just have to stop. Oftentimes the blog has been a form of self care for me. It’s something that feeds my soul and rejuvenates me. But as my work begins to pick up and my belly continues to grow to epic proportions, I don’t know what self care will look like for me this time around. Last week I touched on how much different this pregnancy has been compared to my other two. To twist a T. Swift lyric, “I’m feelin’ thirty-two oooo ooo” and you guys, instead of writing the next blog post I may just need to take a nap. But like I said earlier, I really don’t know yet what the future will bring. I hope I can continue to spill my thoughts in this space, but if I can’t make that happen every week, that’s ok too. 

Recently, I was packing up my work bag and about to head out the door for a few hours to complete a job. My son saw me heading towards the door and ran after me inquiring about where I was going. I told him I was going to work but I would be back soon. He froze and stared at me wide-eyed and then yelled, “You don’t go to work! Daddy goes to work!” I laughed and realized that the last time I left the house to go to work, he was too young to remember it. I thought it was super cute and realized that my season of starting work again would be something that wouldn’t just affect me. We would all have to adjust to it. 

If you read this blog every week, thank you. I’m looking forward to figuring out what the right pace is going to be going forward. And once I figure that out I will let you know. 

So, if there comes a Thursday and you don’t see my inner monologue ramblings pop up, know that I’ll be back. 

Sending a plethora of virtual hugs to you and yours,

Shantastic 

My Baby Has a Mickey Mouse Chair

Tick Tock. The seconds pass. Minutes fly by in a blur. The last four and a half years have whizzed by as my daughter, Grace, has barreled her way through each passing day. In the fall her future includes a year of preschool, and then in 2018…she will be gone. She’ll nosedive out of my nest, wings ablaze, and probably won’t even need to say goodbye as she runs into her Kindergarten classroom. She’s amazing. As school has begun to feel more like a concrete certainty and less like some elusive thing “off in the future”, I started to reflect on how I will feel about the years I got to have her home with me. Will I wish for more days? Will I have any regrets about how I spent my time with her? 

The moment the word regret popped into my mind, I flashed back to the days when I had been trying to get work done in my office and shushed her to be quiet. As I mentioned in a previous post ---> "My Babies Swallowed Me,"  I run a small business from home. My office is my sacred space that is devoted to doing work I love. It nourishes my introverted heart and mind. To be able to put my kids down for their naps and have that little bit of time to pour into something creative feeds my soul. But, when Grace stopped napping, I had to transition her into doing a “quiet time” in her room. Then around the time when she celebrated her fourth birthday, I began hearing footsteps outside my sanctuary and a gentle knock on the door asking me if quiet time was over. So, one afternoon in a moment of desperation, I went into the playroom and dragged her child-sized Mickey Mouse table into my office. I knew that since I had just closed to door to her room for quiet time, she would inevitably come peeking out about 12 minutes later. 

Insisting that she go back to her room could have been an option. But I didn’t want our days together to be spent with me yelling at her to go back into her room until she cried (because that had already happened a couple times). I realized that this was just part of the deal. She was growing up and I needed to figure out a way to evolve. The afternoon when I dragged her table into my office was a day when I absolutely needed to get some work done. I figured she could play with some puzzles or color a picture while I met my deadlines. Sure enough, less than 20 minutes after her quiet time had started, she poked her head around the corner and saw her table in my office. She exploded like a firework in July. “MOMMY!! Did you put my Mickey Mouse table in your office?” Then the bouncing started as she screamed, “Can I work in your office with you?” I figured she was so excited just because I had finally allowed her into a once-forbidden space. She was elated. And so our new phase began where I had a four-year-old coworker by my side. 

I tried to be as welcoming as I could. Some days I had it in me to swallow my own desires of having a child-free moment and some days I really struggled. I tried to make sure to remember to set out different activities for her to do, but there were many moments where I had to shush her and remind her that Mommy needed to get her work done. Sometimes I resorted to letting her watch Netflix on my Kindle and, of course, felt guilty about it.

So when the idea of regrets began floating around in my head, I wondered if that time spent in my office would evolve into being a full blown regret of mine. Should I have played with her more? Should I have figured out a different way to get my work done? In my more anxious moments, I felt my heart sink as I worried that those afternoons in my office of me telling her to stop talking would be the only thing she would remember from our years together. As my busy season wrapped up, I thanked God that my work has times in the year when it halts. I also prayed and asked God to redeem the time that I felt had been lost. I wanted this next season of life to be full of awesome moments that she would remember forever. I wanted her to forget the office days. 

So when I officially finished my busy season, I was the one bouncing this time. I couldn’t wait to spend these afternoons with her while her brother napped. We were going to make cookies, play games, and I wasn’t going to be weighed down with mommy guilt anymore. I was going to be super awesome fun mommy now. As she timidly raised her eyebrows and asked if quiet time was over I replied, “Yes! And guess what!! We’re going to make chocolate chip cookies today!!” She immediately jumped back with a look of confusion on her face. “What? NO. I don’t want to do that Mom.’ She said definitively. “Oh. Ok..” I said surprisingly. I quickly tried to think of a fun activity that I normally didn’t want to take the time to do. “OH what about painting? Do you want to paint with me?” “No” she responded. I tilted my head and asked her, “Really? Ok..what do you want to do?” She took no pause as she declared. “Mom. I WANT to go work in your office with you.” I just stood there, dumbfounded. “You want to go work in my office?” She shook her head yes. I was still stunned as I asked, “You…like working in my office with me?” “Yes Mom! Come on! Let’s go!” And she took off skipping down the hallway. 

She loved it. She loved working in my office with me. When I moved her table into my office, to me it was just a kid-sized desk that was now taking up space in my precious haven. But to her, I was opening up a piece of myself and inviting her into it. My office, which had once been deemed as a “childless space” now had a reserved spot just for her. Not her brother, not my husband. It’s our time for just us. I had no idea she viewed it that way. God answered my prayers for redemption even more completely than I ever anticipated. I wanted him to redeem our future, but He went a step further and redeemed our past. 

Even though I still find myself craving my own quiet time in my office, I just know the day when she heads off to school I’ll sit in my office weeping at the sight of that stupid, empty, Mickey Mouse chair. She loves sitting in that chair. And I had no idea. 

If you’re like me and you tend to be a bit too hard on yourself, just breathe. You’re probably doing better than you thought you were. 

Blessings,

Shantastic

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Have you ever had a moment similar to this? Perhaps when you felt like a lazy parent for letting your kid eat macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs and then found out it was her favorite meal she’s ever had?? Let’s hear it! Comment below or find me on Instagram @TotallyShantastic !!

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