8 Weeks with Grace: Momma Bear

I’ve never been a confrontational person. If I’m upset I would rather shut down and think about how I feel than confront the person who has upset me. I can only recall a few moments in my life when I was able to stare someone down and give them “a piece of my mind”. I have to be really emotionally involved to get worked up enough to actually confront someone in the heat of the moment.

A couple years ago Seth and I were at a winter retreat with the high school youth group that Seth led. We had been with that group of students for about six months and had begun to solidify some strong relationships. On the last day of the retreat the staff of the camp wanted to take a large group photo that included all the other youth groups and leaders. Towards the end of the photo session when everyone was still all squished together we started to feel chunks of snow and ice hit our faces. Our students began to cover their heads and try to find safety. As the balls of ice continued to fly through the air and pelt people’s faces, one of the girls who I had become very close with got smoked in the eye. I saw her fall to the ground in pain clutching her face and that was it. I had had enough.

Have you ever seen one of those videos where people are trying to observe the natural habitat of bears and all of a sudden one of the bears goes completely crazy and tries to attack everyone? It was as if a flip had been switched in my brain and I was no longer the quiet, mild-mannered Kindergarten teacher. It was my responsibility to keep those girls safe and something was threatening them. Apparently I found that completely unacceptable.

I found the culprit of all the mayhem standing about 30 feet away from us. He continued to pick up snow with his lacrosse stick as I marched towards him. He began to lift the stick in the air and as soon as I got close enough I snatched the stick right out of his hands and threw it to the ground. Then I got right in his face and screamed, “That is enough!! People are getting hurt and you are DONE!” I gave him one last look of disappointment, turned on my heels, and walked away. As I spun my body around I turned to see Seth standing ten feet away with his jaw hitting the ground. He had never seen me act like that. I had never seen me act like that!

Shortly after we had Gracie I had a dream that some freaky people tried to kidnap her so I went crazy on them and saved my daughter. I woke up from the dream and realized with complete certainty that I would literally do anything to keep my baby girl safe. I read a quote recently that explains how I feel perfectly. It said, “No one will ever understand the strength of my love for you. After all you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”

Even though the strength of my love for her is fierce, I know I can’t always protect her from all the pains that will come in life. Last week she had to get her first set of immunizations. I helplessly pressed my forehead to her cheek while her face turned red and she sounded like she stopped breathing because she was screaming so hard.

The bears you see in the videos that go completely crazy are usually moms who think their babies are being threatened. I won’t be able to protect her from everything forever but I can tell you one thing. As long as she needs me, I will always be Momma Bear for her.

Did you ever have to go “Momma Bear” for your little one?

Blessings,

Shantastic 

7 Weeks with Grace: Beyond Measure

During the four years I spent in California I felt like my life was completely unbalanced. In some ways I was the happiest and saddest I had ever been. I was incredibly happy in my marriage but heartbroken about missing my family. I had always wanted to get out of Minnesota because I hate everything about winter, but the moment I moved away I realized I had left my heart there. I tried to make San Diego my home and even made some life-long friends, but there was nothing I could do to replace my family. I always knew I was close with my parents and my brother, but I didn’t know just how close we were until I left. When I imagined living the rest of my life away from them and raising my children without them, it broke my heart.

I also felt so guilty for not being satisfied with the time I did have with my family. There are so many people who don’t have family at all. I felt like a greedy child always wanting more. As a Christian I knew I had to be wherever it was God was calling me to be and for those four years I know I was supposed to be in San Diego. It was the only thing that gave me strength to persevere when my heart ached to be near my family.  

I also struggled with feeling very selfish and greedy when I thought about the things I wanted for my life. I felt bad because Seth and I had our basic needs met such as a roof over our head and food in our cupboards. I tried so hard to surrender wanting to own a home and be a stay-at-home mom when we had children. Owning a home and living a life on one income would have been incredibly challenging in San Diego. The Lord can make anything a reality, but honestly, I really struggled with believing that my future would be what I yearned for. I didn’t just want to be a stay-at-home mom for my children; I felt like I had to.

I have prayed and asked the Lord for many things over the years. His answer has always been yes, no, or wait. Waiting was always the hardest answer because in some ways it is easier to get just get the no, deal with it and move on. After our third year in California I finally admitted to myself how badly I wanted to move back to Minnesota. This made our fourth and final year in San Diego very tough because I was waiting for an answer the entire time. I remember telling the Lord that if we were supposed to stay in California then I needed Him to change my heart because I couldn’t do it on my own. 

After four years of feeling unbalanced I now get to say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. For the last seven weeks I have gotten to be a stay-at-home mom with my little girl. And I’m writing this post from my parents’ house because we felt like making a weekend visit. Sometimes God answers our prayers with no, sometimes He says we have to wait, and recently in my life He decided to bless me by saying yes…to everything.

When it all started falling into place I felt a little bit in shock. We moved back to Minnesota, got pregnant, bought a house, and saw my family every few weeks. After Gracie arrived and I officially became a stay-at-home mom I kept feeling like I was bracing myself. Something bad or unfavorable had to be bound to happen right? Then one day as I was walking around the yard with our dogs I was praying and thanking the Lord for everything He had blessed me with. I said something along the lines of, “I can’t believe you gave me everything I had hoped for.” For some reason it’s relatively easy for me to believe God is real and that He has an infinite love for us, but I was having so much trouble believing that same God would literally give me everything I hoped for. Almost immediately I heard words on my heart coming from the Lord. He said, “Shan, of course I was happy to give you the desires of your heart. I delight in it just as much as you do. Now it's time to embrace it.”

A few days ago I walked into our living room and found Seth snoozing on the couch with Grace. This picture is what sparked this entire post. I kept staring at the two of them thinking, “God, you have blessed me beyond measure.” 

I'd love to hear about the seasons of your life where you felt blessed beyond measure :)

Blessings,

Shantastic :)

6 weeks with Grace: Pooping out a Pumpkin

In college I was walking on campus with one of my friends and we saw a mom and her toddler walk by. I immediately erupted into girly shrieks of, “Ohmygosh that baby is SOOOO cute!!!” My friend laughed, shrugged her shoulders and gestured towards the kid as she said, “Isn’t it funny? That does nothing for me.”

Every time I see a baby I always have that same reaction. All I want to do is squish their little cheeks and give them snuggles. When I found out I had to pick an emphasis for my elementary education degree I didn’t even have to think about my decision. It was automatic. I read through the list where I found choices like middle school math and then I came across ‘Preprimary: Birth-6^th Grade’. Who would want to be doing math equations when you could be playing with a baby? I was sold.  

I have always been a conscientious student so going into motherhood I felt like I had a wealth of knowledge and experience I could pour into my new life with my little one. There have been times in our six weeks with Grace that I have known exactly what to do. I’ve felt like Supermom solving all the problems and putting out the fires. However, I knew my “powers” had their limitations and that I would undoubtedly experience situations that would render me clueless.  Gracie has definitely stumped me many times!

One area they completely left out of our college-level curriculum was the gross stuff. Yes, I’m going to talk about baby poop now and my utter lack of experience with it. Once Grace stopped having the newborn tar-like poop, I expected her first big stinky would be green or yellow. As I peeled back her diaper the question that immediately popped into my head was, “Why does it look like my baby just pooped out a pumpkin?” A little Google research taught me that when it comes to baby poop, yellow, green and orange are all on the table.

It’s also safe to say that I am no expert when it comes to baby bodily fluids. I was clueless on the poop and I also had no idea what a normal amount of spit up was. One day I texted Seth asking him how far vomit had to fly for it to be considered, “projectile”. I logged onto the always-reliable Internet and did a quick definition search. It said that projectile means the puke flies a couple feet in the air and hits the wall or furniture completely missing mom and baby. So in this case it was actually a good thing that I had partially digested breast milk running down the entire right side of my body. My baby doesn’t have projectile vomit. Yay!

Gracie is also educating me in the many forms of newborn bodily functions. I seriously had no idea babies fart so much! And she farts with the force of a grown man. She has no shame and it’s hilarious. There have been many instances when we have had guests over, Gracie lets one rip, and everyone laughs and glances around trying to see who is going to own up to farting in public. I usually wait a second for dramatic effect and then rat Gracie out by pointing to her. Everyone always gives me a look of shock and says, “No way! That was her?!”

Just like every new mom, I’m learning as I go. I love the times when I get to be Supermom but I am also learning to embrace the teachable moments. Have I already called the pediatrician about something that turned out to be no big deal? Yes.  Do I now consider myself a master at creating the perfect swaddle? Sure. Am I still prepared to be completely and utterly clueless half the time? Absolutely.

What did you feel clueless about?

Blessings,

Shantastic

5 weeks with Grace: My baby is not a toad

It may be because I am her mom, but when Grace is in her attentive mood her eyes are seriously mesmerizing. Part of what makes them so hypnotic is their coloring. They are the most beautiful shade of steel blue with a misty gray ring around her pupil. Seth and I have joked that when she stares at you it feels like she’s staring into your soul. I’ve read that most babies’ eye color changes within the first year, but I would be so delighted if hers stayed the same.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I started praying that Gracie would not get my eyes. When I was two years old I was diagnosed with congenital cataracts in both my eyes. That’s not something you want to pass down to your children. My mom was diagnosed with the exact same condition at the exact same age and I know it was always hard for her to know that my genes came from her. Cataracts are usually only found in elderly people and really old dogs so we have no idea why it decided to show up in our genes at such a young age. For those of you who aren’t familiar with cataracts, it means the lens in your eye is clouded over. It makes focusing and seeing almost impossible and if not treated correctly can even lead to blindness. I had surgery when I was diagnosed and now I no longer have lenses in my eyes. In order to see I have to wear really thick glasses that magnify my eyes. I was very grateful to be able to see but it did make childhood tough at times. I didn’t get contacts until I was in high school so as a kid I was always conscious of the stares I got from people. In elementary school I remember a boy said I looked like a toad with my glasses on.

For some reason people feel a need to make fun of others for being different than the “norm”. I’ll never understand that.  

A few years ago my mom was cleaning out boxes from my childhood. She came across a story I had written in first grade and showed it to me. It was about a little girl who wore glasses and got teased in school. The last page of the story said, “And then the girl didn’t need her glasses anymore and no one ever teased her again.” After I finished reading it I looked up at my mom and saw that she was holding back tears. Since she had to wear the same glasses as me, she knew exactly what it felt like to look different than everyone else and she could relate to the pain it caused when people felt the need to point it out. 

When we got pregnant I immediately started praying our child’s eyes would develop correctly and without cataracts. My mom told me it was a sincere prayer of hers as well.  I know cataracts are not a life-threatening condition and even felt a little guilty for being concerned that my children might get them. There are a lot worse things that could happen, but what mom wants their children to suffer at all?

This past week we took Gracie to her first eye appointment. I did some research and found out that in many cases congenital cataracts can be detected at birth, however, in some cases it doesn’t show up until months or years later. To do the exam the doctor had Seth hold Grace in the patient chair. They had to dilate her pupils and then shine an incredibly bright light in her eyes. Of course she screamed so loud during the exam it sounded like she was going to make herself pass out. I felt my throat start to tighten and my eyes started to water in response to hearing her be in pain. I remember being a child and having to go for my annual eye exams. My parents had to help the doctor restrain me so he could do the exam. As I was thrust back into all these scary memories I was slammed back into reality as I heard Gracie’s ear-shattering screams. In that moment I realized I had been focusing so much energy on her not having cataracts, that I hadn’t really allowed myself to think about what it would be like for her if she had them. The “worrier” in me had somehow been kept under control. As I waited for the doctor’s diagnosis I realized how badly I didn’t want her to be called a toad by bullies on the playground.

When the doctor told us his findings I realized I had been holding my breath. Please don’t tell me my baby is going to have to suffer any more pain because she got her mommy’s faulty eyes. I started clapping and almost jumped out of my seat when the doctor said her eyes looked normal and healthy.

He said there is still a chance that they could develop within the next couple months because he had seen that happen before. So I suppose I could worry and fret that she will still eventually have cataracts, or I can choose to rejoice in the fact that right now, today, she doesn’t.

Were you worried your children would inherit something “undesirable” from you?

Blessings,

Shantastic