I’ve
never liked roller coasters or thrill rides. They’re just not my thing. I don’t
like the sensation of free falling and I certainly don’t like being upside
down. About ten years ago I went to a theme park with a group of my
girlfriends. Of course one of the major schemes for the whole trip was to try
to get scaredy cat Shan to go on something other than the Ferris Wheel. I kept
toying with the idea of going on the tower ride. It’s the one where you wear a
shoulder harness with your legs dangling towards to ground and it slowly
carries you to the top. The worst part is you have no idea when it’s going to
drop you. I finally gave in and told my friends I would do it. At this point I
still wasn’t 100 percent sold on actually going through with it. As I stood in
line I thought, ‘I can always back out. I don’t have to do this.” I kept
thinking that same thought the whole way through the line and even up until I
was strapped in. It’s amazing how calming it can be to just know you have an
out, not necessarily that you will take it. After a few minutes the ride jolted
slightly and then slowly starting carrying us up towards to sky. In that moment
I realized I had no choice but to endure the consequences of my decision. I had
no idea if it would be fun or terrifying, I just knew I no longer had a way
out.
As
I have stated in previous posts, I do anything and everything within my power
to avoid pain at all costs. I don’t have a high pain tolerance so I make calculated
decisions about how best to avoid getting hurt. Before I got pregnant, the
inevitable pain of childbirth wasn’t even on my radar. It was like I was still
standing in line for the tower ride. By standing in line, it doesn’t mean
you’re going to go through with it. Even when we started trying to get pregnant
I still thought there’s no need to start worrying about how in the world a
human is going to come out of me. When I saw the positive result on the test it
still didn’t fully set in because I was way too excited to care. Plus, nine
months was a long way away.
I
recently saw the movie “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and the reality
of my fate finally started to sink in. What used to be nine months away is now
only a mere 10-11 weeks away. The storyline follows a couple different women
who are all expecting and documents how differently their bodies respond. There
have been some rare days when I feel like the “supermodel” storyline with tons
of energy and a mom-to-be glow that just won’t quit. There have never been any
days when I feel like the fitness trainer who is still doing lunges at 7
months. And a couple times I have felt like the crazy lady who is having an
emotional meltdown in the movie trailer saying, “I’m callin’ it ladies,
pregnancy sucks. Growing a human being is really hard. I have no control over
my body or my emotions!”
As
the movie culminates in the births of all the babies, I finally realized the
ride started moving a long time ago and I am in no way getting off. Of course I
wouldn’t want to get off even if I could. But it’s a little frightening when
you know you have no choice in what is going to happen to you. I have no idea
how, but eventually, this baby is coming out.
Now
here’s the big shocker. I am going to attempt to complete my rollercoaster ride
without drugs. The scaredy cat girl who hates pain is going to try and give
birth without the help of modern medicine. My plan may sound crazy but I’m not
completely naïve. If my poor little body just can’t take it then I’ll get the
epidural. For me, a lot of the time pain is a mental game. If I know why I’m in
pain and I know it will eventually end, then it’s easier to suck it up and deal
with it. I’m hoping the fact that knowing I will get to meet my child at the
end of the ordeal will make it mentally doable. I’m also trying to go into the
situation knowing that literally anything can happen. I might need an emergency
c-section or I might just sneeze and have a baby in my arms.
This
week I also noticed that I’ve started feeling a very small sense of
entitlement. I should probably get a handle on it because entitlement is never
an attractive quality. I think it’s the “growing a human being is really hard”
lady coming out in me a little. For example, when someone cuts in front of me
in line or takes the last seat in the room I think to myself, “Really? You
really think you need that chair? Look at me! Growing a person here!!”
Moms,
it’s time to scare me with your crazy birth stories! Did the epidural not work?
Did it hurt even worse than you imagined? It’s too late to sugar coat it for
me! I’m committed!
P.S. Keep scrolling to the post from Thursday, the 7th if you want to hear about my "I'm never flying again in my third trimester" experience!
I do not deal with pain well either! My mother was even afraid for me and how i was going to do. I dilated to seven and by that point I had been in the hospital 6 hours and had only gotten 2 hours of sleep and i was exhausted. I recieved the epidural that i knew i would desperately need. I slept three hours and woke up to being told i was ready to push. I had know idea what i was really doing so my dr. Decided to take away the epidural in order for me to be able to feel what i was doing. I was so scared but i dont remember any pain other than pressure...i think my contractions leading up to that point hurt worse than pushing. I knew i had to do it...i knew there was no turning back. I pushed for an hour which seemed like five minutes and my little boy was born. If you are in the moment I believe that the thought of having my baby in my arms and living the rest of my life with him made all that pain bearable.
ReplyDeleteHolland
Holland-I hope the thought of getting to meet my little one makes the pain bearable too! I've also heard that the moment the baby is born you feel nothing but relief. There's some motivation in that as well! haha
DeleteDrug free here. Women have done it for centuries. It was the most amazing thing I have ever felt or done and I would definitely do #2 the same way. If you can do it, expect a quicker recovery, fewer health risks for you and your little one. Agree with you, it's mind over matter. It was helpful for me to tell myself that was the only option I had, but be mentally prepared for medical intervention should it be necessary. That is what interventions are for. The problem with the US hospital system is that they do tend to rush the intervention side, so if you are REALLY wanting to do it drug free, make sure your doula or at least your partner is briefed on how to work with the docs. Cause in that moment, when you are offered relief, you'll definitely take the meds if no one is helping you along. I say, go for it! You can do it.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I keep trying to tell myself that women were giving birth for a long time before the epidural came around so that means there's hope for me! Honestly, a big part of why I don't want the epidural is because the thought of losing feeling in any part of my body seriously freaks me out. And a needle going into my spine sounds worse than contractions. Here's my optimistic plan, just power through until I'm far enough along that I can't have an epidural anymore and then the decision is made for me haha! I've also heard the same thing that hospitals tend to pressure you into getting drugs. I'll tell my hubby to help keep me strong! :)
DeleteLet me start out by saying that I, too, am a total wimp when it comes to the pain department! I have no pain tolerance. But when it came to the little baby inside of me, I too decided that I could do it drug-free. The only unfortunate part was that I had to be induced. BUT, I told them I wanted to see if Cervidil (a cervix ripening agent, like meds on a flat tampon) was enough to jump-start me into labor, and it was (thanks to God)! There was pain, of course, but I had Ken push on my back to help me through the contractions. I also kept saying "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", which really helped me to be in the right mindset. By the time it got to be painful enough where I might have considered maybe getting something to help with the pain, it was time to push! And once you are able to push through the pain, and you're so close to meeting your little one, it's so much easier! Your adrenaline starts pumping, you get excited, and you just do it! And then you do that last push, and you get to hold your baby! And just like that, the pain lets up and all is right in the world. It's such a short time of pain in the big picture, and so worth it!
ReplyDeleteI did end up getting an epidural for Serenity's arrival. I thought I was at the point of pushing after like 18+ hours, and they told me I was only at 4-5cm! I was terrified of getting an epidural, but it was mostly ok. They did pump me way too full of IV fluids, and I ended up having high BP after delivery (once I got home), as well as pain in my back for a couple months. But the epidural actually worked well (thanks to God and the seasoned needle-handler) and I felt almost nothing from the waist down all the way through delivery (labor was 26 hours start to finish!). I was still able to push though, since I remembered how. Although, I also was good at pushing the first time, so maybe my intuition played a part as well. :) Overall, both labors went well and were very different, pros and cons to each. I will say that next time around, I will still try again to go drug-free, with my lack of pain tolerance and everything!
Oh, and by the way, some women poo during delivery, in case you haven't heard that one yet. It just happens, so don't stress about it. :)
Caroline, I can understand why you got the epidural the second time after hearing your story! I can't imagine how frustrating/scary that would have been to be in so much pain and think it's time to push, only to find out you are only 4-5cm! Thank you for the heads up on the poo situation! Thankfully a couple women told me about that so I won't be surprised if it happens! haha
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