It seems like as soon as your baby turns a year that’s when all the “When are ya gonna have another one??” jokes start.
The first time someone made a comment about us having another baby I had an immediate flashback of myself standing in the living room at 3:15am trying to rock Grace back to sleep. I was wearing mismatching pajamas that hadn’t seen a washing machine in far too long and I was longingly staring at the couch where my makeshift bed was beckoning me to partake in a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
When Grace was around 4 months old and finally starting to sleep for more than four hours at a time I had a memorable conversation with Seth, my husband. I was telling him how one of my friends had just had a baby and she couldn’t believe how tiring it was to have to nurse her baby 10-12 times a day. When I finished my story Seth very innocently asked, “10-12 times seems like a lot. You never nursed Grace that often did you?”
I swear to you for the tiniest fleck of a moment my eyes filled with the fiery rage of a thousand armies. It was one of those classic moments when your unfiltered mind plays out a scenario in your head and you see how raw and imperfect your emotions can be. In my head I had jumped up on the table and lifted him up into a WWE style bodyslam while screaming “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! ALL I DID FOR MONTHS WAS NURSE THAT BABY!!! ALL SHE DID WAS EEEAAAATTTT!!!”
….That was what my reaction would have been.
Somehow, by the grace of God I was able to pause before reacting and instead give a response. Instead of spewing out something I would have absolutely regretted I waited a few seconds and then calmly said, “Yes…<deep breath> Yes I did nurse her that much.”
Taking 5 seconds to pause before reacting is a simple, yet life-changing technique we learned during our pre-marital counseling. In this situation I am so, so glad I waited a few seconds before I responded. During that brief pause I remembered how during those sleepless nights Seth would often get up to come check on us and I would shoo him off to bed since he had to get up for work in the morning. So, if I wouldn’t allow him to help me then how would he have known that I was feeding her freaking 12 times a day?
Yes, the 5 second pause is a very good thing. I even had to use it recently with my Gracie. It’s inevitable isn’t it that she would eventually get to an age when discipline becomes part of her life? I had just gone to get her from her nap and as I swung the door open excited to see her, cuddle her, kiss her, she had a very different emotion going on in her heart. For some reason or another, she was ticked! I scooped her up in my arms and tried hugging her but she just squirmed. After a few more seconds of rocking and singing she finally settled down a bit. I made a risky move and leaned in close to her face and whispered, “Grace, can mommy have a kiss?” She replied by full on smacking me in the face with her hand. During my 5 second pause I am happy to say that I never once pictured myself bodyslamming her to the ground, but I did have a brief second where I wanted to scream, "How dare you hit your momma?????"
5 seconds can do a lot for the state of the heart. Somehow I reigned in my frustration and used my best nurturing mother voice to say something about that being “not very nice” and how we only want to use “gentle touches”. She looked at me wide-eyed as she tried to discern what about her behavior had not been acceptable. I can't wait until I can articulately explain to her and have her understand that slapping me across the face is indeed, unacceptable.
It’s nice to be able to share the few moments where I have succeeded in using the 5 second pause, but it’s also important for you to know how often I fail at it. I’ve had countless moments where I’ve reacted by spewing out hurtful words and literally wished I could reach up into the air and pull them back as soon as they left my mouth. It’s a learning process for sure.
I know as Grace continues to test her boundaries and try to figure out the world I will have many more opportunities to practice responding to her instead of reacting. The more she tests my ability to pause the more I have to keep reminding myself that she is learning. Right now, she truly doesn’t know any better. As her mom it’s my job to gently teach her that some of our human emotions are great and should be allowed to erupt from us freely and others need that 5 second pause so they can be weeded out. Loving embraces, bursts of laughter, and happy gasps of surprise don’t require a pause. They come from a life-giving place of love. I hope with all my heart that I can continue to teach her to be nice and gentle and to always weed out the little voice in our heads that wants to bodyslam innocent people.
Have you recently had to take a 5 second pause when raising your kids? What did your child do? Slap you across the face like mine did? :)
Blessings,
Shantastic :)
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