Week 36: Dear Sweet Baby Girl

Dear Sweet Baby Girl,

When I moved back to the Midwest ten months ago, I prayed about what kind of job I should look for. I felt very strongly on my heart that I was supposed to look for a nanny job. I have always wanted to be a mom and I love babies, so I was excited to try and find a family to work for. I made a profile on an Internet website that helps connect families with nannies. When I got the first email from your mom I felt like God was telling me, “This is the family! This is the baby you are going to love!” I started being your nanny nine months ago and have gotten to watch you grow from a tiny four-month old into an incredibly talkative on-the-go one-year old!

This week is my last week with you because I am about to have baby of my own and you are going to start on a new adventure at a daycare center. I’m writing you this letter so that someday you will be able to read it and know that for your first year of life you had a nanny who loved you very much. It didn’t take long for you to win over my heart. After a couple days you smiled at me and I knew in that moment that I already loved you. Getting to spend my days with you never felt like work. I can honestly tell you that there was never a day when I didn’t want to come see you. I looked forward to it!

Now that I am having a baby of my own, I can look back on our time together and see how much I learned by taking care of you. The only problem is, you have spoiled me! You have been the happiest and most patient baby I have ever met! In the nine months we spent together you only had two meltdowns where you cried and cried. Most babies would have had many more tearful days! When I would put you down for a nap, sometimes I would sing Disney songs to you and your little eyes would smile up at me until they started to get heavy. When you woke up, instead of screaming for me to come get you, I would know you were awake because I would hear your happy little babbles on the monitor. Sometimes to be silly, I would crawl into your room and then very slowly peek my head over the top of your crib. Your face would light up as soon as you saw me.

One of my friends hosted a playgroup that I would take you to once a week. At home you were always very talkative and babbling almost every moment of the day. When we would get to playgroup you would be very quiet at first and just watch the other babies playing. Then after a few minutes all you wanted to do was play with them. One time at playgroup, one of the moms offered to hold you while I went to the bathroom. I handed you off to her and only got two steps away before you started screaming with the full force of your lungs. I tried saying calming words to you to show that you were safe, but you were inconsolable. I gently scooped you back in my arms and it was as if someone had turned off a switch. The moment you made contact with me you stopped crying. It was the first time I realized I was a safe place for you and that made me feel good.

It’s a little hard to know that because you are still so young, you will have no memory of me when you get older. I have hundreds of fun memories of you! Your favorite game to play was when I pretended I was going to “get you”. I would hold my hand up over your face and slowly drop it closer as I made silly noises. You always laughed so hard every time my hand finally reached your tummy to tickle you.

I hope I have made it clear to you just how special I think you are. There are two more people in your life who think you are the most precious thing in the world. I’m taking about your mom and dad of course! Even at such a young age, you made it clear that you loved them too. When your dad would come home from work you would get the biggest smile on your face when you saw him and you would erupt with laughter. You were always so happy to see him. When you saw your mom come home you would make a happy scream and put your arms up the air. If she didn’t come over and immediately swoop you up in her arms you would start to scream! All you wanted was a hug from your mommy and you wouldn’t settle for anything else!

My heart is very torn as I anticipate saying goodbye to you at the end of this week. I’ve already cried about it a couple times because of how much I will miss you. You have brought so much joy into my life. I believe God allowed me to be part of your life so that I could get glimpses of how wonderful motherhood will be. I have told my husband, Seth, on many occasions that I hope our baby is as happy, joyful, and loveable as Sweet Baby Girl.

Blessings,

Shantastic 

Week 34 and 35: Insomnia and a face full of snow

The last few weeks have been a bit of a blur. That’s why week 34 and 35 are melding together. I’ve been a combination of busy, tired and hot for the last two weeks. There were times when I literally didn’t know what day it was. I’ve had, baby showers, birthday parties, birthing class and a minor case of insomnia. I’ve been so tired during the day, but then when it comes time to finally sink into my bed all I can do is think about all the things I have on my to do list. I also can’t stop thinking about little one and our future. I’ve been having difficulty falling asleep and then waking up two to three times to eat and go to the ladies' room. It's definitely made me into the “growing a human being is really hard” woman a few times during waking hours. (I reference that woman in this post Week 29: Hoping to end with a sneeze") This is all just preparing me for many sleepless nights ahead right? On the more positive side I’ve also been feeling a stronger bond with the baby. Could it be the overflow of crazy lady pregnancy emotions or my body gearing up to be a mommy? Either way, when I feel kicks, my heart just melts and I imagine kissing those little feet in a few short weeks!

It’s finally really starting to hit me that baby is coming soon. For the last month I’ve been saying it out loud but on the inside I’ve been too distracted with life and getting everything ready. Now my heart is starting to feel it. I get so mesmerized and distracted when baby is moving around because now he/she isn’t just this little alien-looking sesame seed anymore. This little person would have a strong chance of survival if he/she were born today! When baby is moving I don’t feel just random jolts anymore. Now I can pick out if it was a punch or a little leg flick. It makes it more real that there is a unique person in there!

The entire pregnancy I have been just so curious to know who this person is. One of the phrases I keep saying over and over out loud to myself is, “Who are you baby? I want to know who you are.” That goes beyond knowing the gender. I want to know what will make this person unique. How will my DNA mix with Seth's to create our baby? 

If you know my brother and me then you know that my parents’ DNA was molded together very differently for both of us. Eric is the fun-loving extrovert and I’m the ‘quiet until you get to know me’ introvert. When I was little I looked like a little clone of my dad’s baby pictures. The only difference was my frizzy blonde ringlets. It’s often been a joke in our family that Eric doesn’t really look like either one of my parents. It just proves when you mix two peoples’ genetic data you never really know what you’re going to get!

When we were little we often walked to daycare together after school. A boy from his class was following behind us and calling him names. He was trying so hard to get my brother to react. Eric just kept looking straight ahead as he walked next to me. He had been taught that fighting was not the solution, so he gritted his teeth and kept moving forward. Then the boy decided maybe he could upset my brother if he made fun of me instead. I used to wear glasses that magnified my eyes so I got teased a lot growing up. Eric probably saw my huge eyes starting to well up with tears. He immediately froze, threw his backpack to the ground, and marched over to the boy. I have no idea what words they exchanged. All I remember is seeing my brother push him face first into the snowbank. I normally wouldn’t support physical violence, but in this case, a nice refreshing burst of snow might be just what that kid needed.

When my kid starts going to school will he/she stand up to bullies? Or will my child be the one getting made fun of? Little one could fall into one of these categories or be something completely different. Certain things in life just speak to us. For my brother, he was willing to just ignore the bully until the kid came after someone he loves. That was what spoke to him. What will my kids be convicted about? What will they be passionate about? I’m just so excited to know and to love them no matter who they turn out to be.

The heat wave hasn’t left us yet and I am thankful everyday to work in a space that has air conditioning. The other day my pastor told me that he had told Seth how I looked like I had the pregnancy “glow.” I laughed and told him it was probably just sweat. 

Did you ever dream about who your child will grow up to be?

Blessings,
Shantastic :)