This week baby has hijacked my appetite. When my friends and
family ask me how I’ve been feeling, I tell them I’m hungry. I was joking with
my mom and I said, “I’m trying really hard to be healthy but sometimes I just
feel like, whatever, I’m getting huge anyways, might as well enjoy this tasty
cinnamon roll!” She laughed and then said, “Well, sweetie, the thing is…if you
eat like that then it’ll be harder to lose the weight once the baby comes.” …I
consider myself a relatively smart person, but my common sense definitely
escaped me on that one.
Seth and I started talking about our future hopes of having
children before we were even married. We dreamed about names, how many we
wanted, and of course, when. After a few months of trying we saw a dark pink
line and a slightly fainter but very present second line. All our dreaming
could finally be put into motion. However, it wasn’t long after our celebration
of running around the living room screaming and crying that a startling reality
set in. We thought the hard part would be trying to conceive. What if it didn’t
happen for us? Now that we were pregnant we realized the hard part wasn’t over.
Just like we had no control of if we could conceive a baby, we had no control
of whether or not this little life survives. I could contribute by being
healthy and taking care of myself, but beyond that it was totally out of our
control. That’s a very sobering thought when the thing you want control of the
most in your life is completely out of your hands.
A week and a half ago we had our first real scare. I went to
the bathroom and found out I was spotting. I’ve heard that can be pretty normal
so even though my heart stopped for a moment I quickly recovered and thought it
was probably nothing. I looked up a couple creditable pregnancy websites and
both said in big bold letters that if you have any spotting after 24 weeks to
take it very seriously and call your doctor immediately. At that point I was 24
weeks, 4 days. While I was waiting
for the nurse at the hospital to call me back I frantically tried to get baby
to move. My doctor had told me that active movement actually rocks the baby to
sleep and when you lay still baby will most likely wake up. I stopped my
erratic pacing and gently lay down on my side. I stayed there frozen for a few
minutes, waiting, hoping, praying. Nothing. I started poking my belly trying to urge
him/her to just give me something. Finally, I felt the tiniest little bubble.
It was enough to calm me down a little but not enough to make all my worry go
away. When the nurse called back she recommended I come in just to make sure
everything was ok.
By the time we left the hospital we were incredibly relieved and undeniably grateful. We got to hear baby’s heart
beating, baby had woken up and started doing cartwheels, I had gotten a cleared
urine test, and we found out (the not-so-fun way) that my cervix is still
closed. Those of who read my post from Week 21 know exactly what was going
through my mind when the nurse said she needed to check my cervix. I blankly
stared at her for a moment while the reality set in. Then I said, “ohhh..that
doesn’t sound very fun..” She paused and then replied, “You know,
unfortunately, there really isn’t a way to make this enjoyable. You just…have
to breathe.” So breathe is what I did. And squeezed Seth’s hand so hard I’m
pretty sure he lost circulation to his fingers.
One of my friends told me the worry about the safety of your
children is always something you have to work through. It’s not over once you
finally give birth and see your child breathing for the first time. So I guess
Seth and I have embarked on a life-long journey of learning to put our trust
in God, especially with the things we hold most dear. I say that like it’s
easy, but it’s really not. One of my best friends lost a baby about a month
before her due date. The pain and sorrow I felt for her was intense. I remember
praying and actually yelling at God. It made no sense to me. Time has passed
and I know my friend and her family are still learning how to cope with their
loss. Last Christmas marked the one-year anniversary. They sent out a card that
said, “A year ago our son joined His Creator in Heaven, his joy far outweighs
our loss.” Wow. Trusting God with the things we hold most dear can be extremely
challenging when we look at it from our Earthly perspective. But a lot of the
time, we don’t know how to look at it any other way because this is all we
know. My friends have continued to trust God through the worst of
circumstances, and that’s pretty powerful.
Mommies and Pregnant ladies: Did you ever have to go to the
hospital because something was wrong? Were you as freaked out as I was?
Blessings,
Shantastic
