Week 25: I once hijacked someone’s body

Thank you to everyone who offered their feedback to me about last week's post. I was extremely blessed to hear that some of the things God had put on my heart had resonated with you. 

I saw a commercial this week for Mother’s Day. Who is surprised that I was crying by the end? It was a montage illustrating how many jobs, tasks, and unselfish acts a mom does throughout motherhood. The tears came when the children started to grow up and recognize their relationship with the woman who had loved them unconditionally their whole life. The line at the end of the commercial said, “The hardest job in the world, is the best job in the world.” My mom once told me that she never really wanted to be a mom because she didn’t think she would be good at it. Then she said she’s so happy she did become a mom because she never knew she could love another person so much. She really didn’t have an accurate perception of her mothering capabilities because she’s pretty phenomenal.

My entire life I have always wanted to be near my mom. I remember being a toddler and crying hysterically when my mom would leave to go to the grocery store. She just has this complete safeness about her. As I’ve gotten older, I feel like I get the best of both worlds with her. She’ll always be mom my first, but she has grown into a friend.

During my sophomore year of high school I had to envision what life would be like without her. At her yearly exam her doctor noticed a lump on her breast and said due to protocol he had to have it tested. The results came back with the absolutely terrifying “c” word attached to them. As I’m sure with most people, all the different scenarios played out in my head. She could be fine. It could just be a simple surgery. Or she could die. And I would have to live the rest of my life without her.

I was trying to process all this information with only having been a Christian for about a year. I was still in the delicate process of figuring out what it means for God to have a purpose for our lives and understanding that His timing is always perfect. How could my mom having cancer align with any of that?

I felt like my adoration towards God was conditional. Save my mom and I’ll love you forever. Take her away and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive you. They were very “human” emotions to say the least. A few days later she was scheduled to go in for surgery and at that point the doctors would know if the cancer had spread. The night before her surgery was the most broken I have ever been. I cried so hard I felt like my heart could literally split from my chest and break in two. I don’t think I’ve ever had a more sincere prayer since that night. I begged God to let me keep her. 

At school the following day I was in a complete daze. It seemed like every moment was either clouded with tears when I was showing emotion or hidden behind blank stares when I was trying to keep it together. I didn’t rejoin the world of communication until I heard the word, “contained” later that night. The cancer was contained to her breast. She needed a simple surgery, and doses of radiation and chemotherapy as a precaution. What I heard from this statement was, “You get to keep your mom.” Maybe God healed her because He chose to answer my desperate prayer. I think He heard my prayer, but He also had His own reasons. As her and I have continued to walk through life together, God has given me glimpses of what some of those reasons might be. It’s now been over 10 years since she has been diagnosed as cancer free. Which means I have a whole lifetime of memories with her, both past and future, to be thankful for.

If my kid loves me as much as I love my mom, I’ll be happy.

How has baby hijacked my body this week? Seth and I shared a good laugh as I attempted to fit into some of my fancy clothes. We have a wedding coming up in a couple weeks and being the thrifty person I am, I thought just maybe I could possibly fit into something I already have. I knew it was really bad when Seth just stared at me then started laughing and shaking his head. Between fits of laughter he said, “Babe, we’ll go shopping and get you something.” I had to know just how bad it was so I turned towards the mirror, and joined him in laughing hysterically. I looked ridiculous. 

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Blessings,

Shantastic :)