When I got pregnant I daydreamed about which stages of our kids’ lives I was looking forward to the most. It was easy for me to decide which stage I knew would come the most natural to me. Bring on the tiny poopies, fussy tummies from too much gas, and perpetual spit up, because I love babies. Babies are awesome because they’re itty bitty balls of cuteness that you can spend hours just staring at. They don’t judge you, they don’t think you’re weird, and they don’t resent you if you are having difficulty figuring out what they want in that moment. You just try your best to fulfill their needs and they’ll reward you with smiles and warm baby cuddles.
The ceaseless crying of a newborn doesn’t phase me much and even though I complained quite a bit about having to wake up in the middle of the night to breastfeed Grace, there was something really special about being the one person in the world she needed. As Grace passed her first birthday milestone I knew my era of feeling like a bit of a Supermom was quickly coming to an end. The toddler age presents me with many more challenges that don’t come as naturally to me and obviously, it has brought many changes to my teeny tiny baby.
When Grace cried and fussed as a baby I never felt like it was a reflection on me: babies cry. But now when she decides to throw her body across the floor and wail as tears roll down her cheeks because I wouldn’t let her eat an entire canister of banana flavored puffs in one sitting, that’s a little bit harder to walk away from unscathed. She has to learn that you can’t get everything you want all the time, but do I really have to be the one to teach it to her??? Ok, yes. I do.
Her classic short-lived tantrums are just one of the many ways she has evolved in the past few months. She has also recently become a pretty brilliant mimic. She obviously can’t repeat the words we say exactly, but she can imitate the inflection with surprising accuracy.
About a week ago, after yet another day of me trying to teach her how to politely ask for things, respectfully show when she is not happy, and say, “please,"... it was bedtime. My husband, Seth and I were getting ready to tuck her in for the night. He was holding her while we said her nighttime prayers and as I stared down at her my heart was overflowing with those ooey gooey mommy feelings. When you have a child your understanding of what love is gets blown wide open.
I. love. Her.
As we said, “Amen” I bent down to give her a kiss on the forehead…and she batted me away while whining some form of “nooooo”. I looked up at Seth with such hurt in my eyes. All of the moments from the past few weeks of her giving me attitude and denying my affections was pouring down on me in that moment. I wanted to swoop her up in a giant bear hug and shout, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU???? Do you have even the tiniest clue about what I’ve sacrificed for you and what I WILL sacrifice for you??”
As I stood there stunned I said a quick prayer to the Lord, “Please don’t let the night end on this note. Please redeem this.” I heard the Lord answer back to me, “Shan, she’s just a baby. Just a baby. Love her like she’s just a baby.” I felt a nudge in my spirit to hold her like I did when she was just a baby so I gently scooped her up and began to rock her. When she would have trouble falling asleep as a newborn, I would cradle the back of her head in my hand and sway back and forth back and forth. As our bodies fell back into the same rhythm from her first few months of life she immediately remembered the sensation of the air lightly brushing past her face and the safety she felt cradled in my arms. As she smiled up at me her eyes twinkled and time froze. I beamed and softly whispered, “I love you.” It came out sounding more like a song as my voice went up on the word love. After the one-hundred millionth time of saying “I love you” to Grace she chose this moment to mimic back to me for the first time, “Ah luh oo”. Happy tears filled my eyes as I thanked the Lord for confirming to me that yes, she does love me too.
When she has her teachable moments of experiencing what it’s like to not get your way, I can’t forget the moments when she tells me, in her way, that she loves me. When she climbs into my lap all on her own, when she does her laughing scream as she sees me come in the room, and now when she says “I love you” back. Even though I will miss the baby stage, this era of her getting to choose to love me back is something I would never ever trade.
Blessings,
Shantastic :)
